Mom Humor, They Said WHAT?, Why We're Salty

MORE Open Letters to the People That Make Us Salty

As Moms (and Dads) sometimes we are shocked by the things that people think it’s okay to say – and do – us. Unfortunately, due to our broken #mombrains, we don’t always come up with the perfect response in the moment. So instead, we write anonymous passive aggressive lighthearted letters full of mom humor to the people that have wronged us. Yes, I’m talking about more letters to even more people that made us downright salty. Did you miss Part One? Make sure to check it out here and then come back to virtually punch some people in the face with me. As always, let us know who you’d add in the comments!

Dear Lady in the Grocery Store,

Yes, I know my baby keeps standing up in the cart. And I appreciate your feedback that you’ve seen no less than three children fall out of the cart and crack their head open like a watermelon. And while I call BS on your story about actually witnessing this tragedy several times, I swear to God I’ve buckled her over and over and over again.. Unfortunately for me she’s channeling her inner Houdini and escaping like a trickster well beyond her years – er, year. I’m trying SO. freaking. hard. to keep her in her seat and happy. I’ve fed her bananas that I haven’t yet paid for. I tried to entertain her with toys from my Mary Poppins-like bag of goodies. Nothing is working, and believe me, I’m as upset about it as you are.

So please just give me a break and treat me with a tiny bit of grace.

Dear OTHER Lady in the Grocery Store,

Thank you for your concerned feedback that I’m spoiling my daughter by carrying her through the grocery store. Would you do me a favor and go find the other nosy lady hanging out in the produce section? She can tell you all about how the baby was trying to jump out of the cart to her death. So I assure you I’m not carrying her because I think she’s too precious to sit in a cart. It’s because I just need to get some milk and bread and stuff for dinner so my family can eat.

I’ll ignore her extra later to make up for this over-abundance of attention she’s getting, mkay?

Dear New Nurse at My Doctors Office,

It’s cute that you brought out the baby scale for my 17 month old, but there is no way in hell she’s going to lay there calmly and let you manually adjust the weights to get an accurate read. So we have two options. We can (a) keep trying and continue to have her freak out, kick, scream, stand herself up and try to launch herself off the machine OR (b) take her over to that handy dandy scale you have and let her stand on it for 3 seconds like I’ve been suggesting for the last 12 minutes. My other two kids are at my Moms and I have no plans for the rest of the day so it’s your call. But for my kid’s sake, could we please just pick option B and move things along?

Dear Person That Leaves the Gate Open in a Gated Playground,

I’m going to try to keep this civil and not lecture you about how there’s a special place in Hell for you. But here’s the thing: Those gates are not just for decoration! They’re basically my backup parent right now. I’ve got three kids of three different ages and three different skill sets. They want to be on totally different things on completely opposite ends of this playground. I just can’t be with them all at the same time, so that gate is the one thing that keeps me from losing my sanity, because at least I know they’re all HERE.

And then YOU come along and you’re all “My kids don’t NEED gates so I’m gonna leave this wide open so that nice little baby can run into the street.” Now sure, maybe that’s not what you were actually thinking, but that’s what’s gonna happen. So unless you want to be a witness to a tragic accident, do me – and every other parent that goes to a gated playground – a freaking solid and SHUT. THE. DAMN. GATE.

Please and thank you of course!

Dear Moms at Open Gym,

I know I’m breaking Mom Code by calling you out right now, and usually I’m team #Momsquad forever, but not this time. Cause here’s the thing: while it’s “open gym,” there rules. I didn’t make them, so don’t blame me. And some of us are into following them, and teaching our kids to do the same. One of the cardinal rules of open gym is one kid on the trampoline at a time. So when your kids all decide take a really long turn on the trampoline, or not wait in line, or go on as a big group, you’re just making my job harder as I try to explain to my kids why the other kids don’t have to follow those rules too.

Look, I get it, I’d love to be standing off to the side with my friends drinking coffee too. But I can’t. Because I have to take care of my kids. And apparently yours too. Who, for what it’s worth, aren’t big fans of listening to other adults. Because honestly? If they listened to me I would let you do you over there having a good time! No reason for us both to be manning the balance beam! Until then, I need you to come help. I’ll be over here staring you down until you get this mental message I’ve been sending you the last half hour.

Because let’s face it, I’m only ballsy enough to say this in an anonymous letter I’ll fantasize about you coming across someday.

Dear Employee at Michael’s,

You know, I actually thought you were being helpful when you saw that I was struggling to find what I need and deal with my cranky toddler at the same time. Thankfully, I had finally located the last item I needed and tossed it into my cart. So I figured my, “Yes, I have, thank you so much” response would be the end of the conversation. So imagine my surprise when you chose to gruffly respond with, “Good, because your baby has been crying in here for a long time, poor thing.”

Well I’m sorry. Sorry that I was trying to get supplies to make Mother’s Day crafts for every mother BUT me. Sorry that I’m trying to get ahead of the ball on my son’s birthday party that’s a month away. Sorry that I’m trying to get a new day planner so I can organize my broken #mombrain life. And I guess I’m sorry that my baby cried for a few minutes in your store while I shopped.

 

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4 thoughts on “MORE Open Letters to the People That Make Us Salty”

  1. I totally connected with the closing the gate at the park letter. Just had this issue yesterday!
    And i’m sorry about what that Michaels employee said! I know how it is to have a kid who HATES shopping of any kind.
    Happy Early Mother’s Day!

  2. OMG that Micheal’s employee sounds horrible and I want to punch him for you. On behalf of all parents everywhere. And it’s not even your child’s fault because the layout of Micheal’s makes ME want to cry and WHY do I have to pull up coupons on my cell but every single Michael’s has shitty wifi and did you notice that I don’t know if it is Michael’s or Micheal’s so I just alternated?

    ALSO, is it like standard practice to use those baby scales until the kids are literally off the chart? My last pedi nurse tried to put my freaking TWO YEAR OLD on one and wouldn’t let her stand on the other scale and got all scowly with me when I wouldn’t help her dumb crusade. I just stood there saying ‘this isn’t going to work’ over and over until she gave up and who even knows what she wrote on her chart.

    Happy Friday!! 🙂

  3. Ummm YES. Preach it. The gate on the playground. Those stares you’ve given at open gym? I’ve given those at gated playgrounds. If I bring my 3 and I’m alone I NEED that gate for survival. I throw in an added loud sigh for sassy sake. Also you brought back some trauma at Michaels with the three, again alone. Everyone staring. I think i was carrying a bunch of crates and two carts and I probably did look a little crazy. Oh yes and D had a tantrum over candy at the register. Ah yes. That damn register candy. There just to ruin my life….

  4. Seriously, Michaels employee? Am feeling better that they are the furthest chain craft store from my house, meaning I almost never shop there because the other chains are closer!

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