momlife, Salty Mama Lists, They Said WHAT?, Why We're Salty

Things That Make Us Saltier Than They Should

Yes, sometimes as Mom’s we’re way too excited about the little things. Like an extra piece of chicken or getting a good cart at the grocery store. But on the flip side? We’re sometimes overly salty – and I’m not talking about being salty in the good way like McDonald’s fries. I’m talking about the fact that we’re chronically exhausted and under-caffeinated no matter how hard we try to drink all the Cokes  and coffees, and sometimes that makes us go from zero to salty in 2 shakes.

  1. When people order a plain old Coca Cola from a Coke Freestyle machine (we’re looking at you, Michael).  You’ve got allllll the choices in the world, and you choose to be boring. I can’t. It’s just such a waste of a Cherry-coke-esque opportunity. See Also: people who order vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting at bakeries that pride themselves on having a million flavors (I’m looking at you, Nicole).
  2. People who try to “cut” in line while merging onto the freeway. And I know I’m not alone in this. But I think it’s the teacher in me that simply cannot stomach someone breaking kindergarten rules. I’m assuming you’ve know said rule for at LEAST 11 years if you’re driving a car, and you STILL don’t know not to break it? So. Rude.
  3. People on NextDoor who are like, “Does Anyone Have a Brand New Fridge They Want to Give Away?” Or similar.   I get that there’s technically no harm in asking, and I also get that you just MIGHT find someone who feels like being a good neighbor. But I once saw requests for a new toilet, an astronomy book, and someone who would let a stranger crash on their couch for the night (!) in the same day. I know I shouldn’t be THIS annoyed by it, but I JUST AM.
  4. When my coupons won’t load at a Fast Food Place. I once refused to pay at a Taco Bell because they couldn’t scan my gift card, because I wouldn’t have gone there if I’d known their scanner was down (I feel like this is information that should have been stated upfront).  I was like, “no thanks, keep my burritos,” but ended up just getting them free instead. So I guess I’m not THAT salty about this one.
  5. Stupid questions. I hate to break it to every teacher I ever had, but there ARE stupid questions. Like my husband asking where the pajamas are. In the exact same place they’ve been since the day our child was born. You KNOW this. I know you do. Just think my love! And then I won’t LOSE.MY.MIND. For the love of God just help me out here.
  6. Places that don’t serve our preferred soda. It doesn’t matter if you’re team Coke or team Pepsi – because you’re going to be pissed half the time either way. And sometimes, it can feel like they’ve selected your soda nemesis just to spite you. They didn’t, but still. Tell that to a tired Mom that just wants her Coke. Or Pepsi.
  7. When I can’t get a spot for the kids at the YMCA. I actually feel especially bad about this one, because I’m getting a SCREAMING deal on the amount of money I spend in relation to the amount of hours I use their facilities. But still. If I really want to get in on Wednesday morning and I call Wednesday morning even though it’s totally on me and I should have called Monday? I die a little inside when they’re all filled up.
  8. Crappy creamer. It’s off in the distance – a big, beautiful carafe of free coffee, and then you get closer and there’s just a jug of that powdered stuff. Look, I’m not saying I need some soy organic lavender infused vanilla bean creamer. Hell, I don’t even need a flavored creamer. But something – anything – liquid please?
  9. Waking up at 6:17 even when the kids aren’t home. Like this morning. When the kids are at Grammy’s but they’ve trained me so good I’m up at dawn. How I miss the days when I was able to just sleep in and enjoy a lazy morning!! But at least I’ll drink my coffee while it’s hot today…

We know you all MUST have some Super-Salty-Pet-Peeves of your own.  We’d love to hear them in the comment section!

(And yes we DO know these are all first world problems, thank you very much. We also get salty about important things too, but let’s be honest, we’re not laughing about those, and neither would you. So this list is gonna have to do for now.)

 

#momlife #salty #momhumor
If the Daddy’s ask us where the pajamas are one more time we’ll lose it! Check out the 8 other things that make us super salty!

 

 

momlife, Salty Mama Lists, Why We're Salty

Five Things We Hate About Fall (And A Few Things We Love)

If you’ve been on the internet for six minutes or more in the last week, you’ll have heard the good news: Fall is HERE! And everyone LOVES IT.

Which is cool, fall’s our favorite season, too. Both of The Salty Mamas have birthdays in October. We have a Salty Baby in October, an anniversary in October, and despite our conflicting feelings on all things pumpkin, neither of us will turn down a yummy baked good. In fact, we like fall so much, we liked it in 2004 when everyone was freaking out over summer.

But now fall is on trend. Which, fine. I guess. The truth is, it makes us a little Salty.

SO, despite how much we LOVE the season, we’ve decided to keep it real and tell you the things we actually don’t love about it. Continue reading “Five Things We Hate About Fall (And A Few Things We Love)”

Effing Four Year Olds, koefoe party of 5, momlife, parenting, Salty Mama Lists, Why We're Salty

Seven Skills They Didn’t Teach You in Parenting Class

For a first time Mom, I felt incredibly prepared when my son was born. I had 17 nieces and nephews and had been around kids a LOT. I was ready to change diapers. I wasn’t afraid of the dreaded first cold. I knew all the first aid and CPR you could want. I was prepared. And then the kids showed up and I learned all the things I hadn’t learned.

You probably haven’t learned all the things either. Add these to your to-do list.

  1. How to throw a ball.

Okay, I’m not a complete athletic disaster. I can throw a ball. But it’s actually WAY harder to throw a ball to a three year old than to another able bodied adult. You have to somehow throw it really slow. And make sure to avoid hitting them in the face. Because they won’t just catch the ball if it’s about to hit them. They’ll wait, let it hit them, and then freak out about it. And then make you throw it again and again until your arm falls off.

  1. How to draw every animal in existence.

Before I was a Mom I’m not sure I’d ever drawn a rhinoceros. Or a “water dinosaur.” I know I didn’t draw the animals/monsters/creatures that my children imagine – and then request for me to draw. To their exact, but undescribed, specifications. But I do know that a lot of the time my drawings are not up to my children’s standards. I should have spent more of my first pregnancy in an avant garde art class taught by opinionated toddlers. If they have one of these in your area, it will be worth every penny.

  1. How to move silently through a house.

When we were house shopping, I did not walk through the house listening for squeaky floorboards. FATAL mistake. Because there’s a board in my son’s room that has almost destroyed me. After spending countless hours lying on his floor praying he’ll fall asleep, the last thing I want to do is wake him up stepping on that board. Squeaky doors? I’m just going to take them all of their hinges. Or go to some sort of cat burglar crash course in how to be more sneaky.

4. How to Remove Objects from a Nose

Maybe you think this is covered under basic first aid, but not so, my friends.  There are actual techniques for this sort of thing.  For example, do not put any kind of finger or tool up there. Is it close enough to the nostril that you can pinch above it and push it out? Or should you try to blow it out like in that viral video that’s been going around (doctors say no, by the way, so THANKS FOR NOTHING VIRAL VIDEO)? Or do you have to go to freaking urgent care over this?? No one prepared us for A.) That level of decision making. B.) That kind of medical know-how.

5. Tetris Level Packing Skills

No one told me that I should have been spending WAY more time playing Tetris in preparation for parenthood. From packing a diaper bag, to packing my car for a day trip, to packing my daughter’s backpack on show and tell today (which is much more complicated than one would originally believe, I assure you), I use way more spatial awareness on the daily than I ever imagined I would.

6. Emotional Awareness of Others, Bordering on Psychic Ability

In the thirteen seconds it takes from when my daughter first appears in the dismissal line to when her teacher hands her over at the gate, I have to decide what kind of mood she is in and how to react appropriately. Will a big hug make her push me or melt her like a popsicle? Should I dare ask how school went? Does she want to walk or should I prepare for a battle about whether or not I am going to carry her to the car? It seems like an impossible task, one I am certainly untrained for. But I gotta say…for an impossible task, I’m getting pretty darn good at it.

7. How to Put Gloves on a Child

Ooooohhhhh, you think this is easy? That’s cute. Because guess what? Kids can’t move one finger at a time. And eight of their little fingers fit into one glove finger. So you sit there like a rational adult saying “Move this finger, no pull this one one, okay put the big one back in, no not that one, the other one, wait, now we’re back how we started!,” before you realize that you are fighting a losing battle. Better to take your chances with frostbite and save your sanity.

What other skills do you wish they’d told you that you’d need as a parent?

7 things they should have taught you in parenting school. Except for they don't HAVE parenting school. They totally should, btw. Read more at thesaltymamas.com.

 

Bouncing Babies, Effing Four Year Olds, Mama Mojo, momlife, Terrible Twos, Threenagers, Why We're Salty

Truth Tuesday: I’ve Considered Running Away

Okay, maybe not literally. Maybe not totally seriously. But I’ve probably given it too much actual thought than I should have.

Lots of times, I love motherhood, I do. When all three of my kids are in a sweet spot, I think I could have three more. When two of them are delightful and one is going through a more challenging phase, I power through. When one is nice and two are little hot mess machines, I hunker down and know we’ll get through it. But when all three are hellions? I start making a list of possible talents I could contribute to the circus.

Right now? I’m in full on circus mode.

In the past few weeks all three of my children have thrown up on me. I’ve had many midnight discussions about diarrhea and why my son is “peeing out of his butt.” We had a solid week where at least one child was wide awake from 3am on, which leads for a very early wake up for Mommy and Daddy. We’ve had night terrors. A four year old that just. doesn’t. listen. A two year old that is in active transition from the terrible twos to being a threenager whose greatest joy in life is her abundant ability to tease her brother. A breast feeder that’s found out her big ol’ teeth make excellent weapons. And I ran out of coffee creamer.

It’s weeks like these that make me spend considerable amounts of time researching the standard working contract for cruise staff. Not that I’d actually drive down to the cruise terminal and go to the employment booth and fill out the application to work a 6 month tour on the Carnival Inspiration or anything. Of course I wouldn’t actually go and do that. I don’t think. But I’ve definitely gotten closer than my husband should find out about.

And yes, there have been good times, but right now? Right now I’m overwhelmed with yet another night of changing sheets filled with last night’s dinner, a 2 year old that comes tumbling out of her crib before the sun rises and a baby that has found she’s sure to get my attention by biting anything she can sink those chompers into.

I love them, I do, but just think how much more I could love and appreciate them if I took, say, a six month break. If I went off on an adventure and came back with arms full of treats and souvenirs and a heart full of missing them. I won’t do it, but I’m definitely still gonna dream about it.

Why I've Considered2

parenting, The Salty Mamas Bookclub

The Salty Mamas Book Club Presents: It’s OK Not to Share

Welcome to the second installment of The Salty Mamas Book Club! If there’s one thing that you take away from our latest book, it should probably be the Renegade Golden Rule:

It’s Okay if it’s not hurting people or property. 

Initially, this had me a little like, “Whoa. Then what ARE the rules??” But the more I read the more I realized it wasn’t about chaos and a complete lack of structure. There’s still discipline. There’s still order. I’m still the parent. And that’s when I decided I could really get behind this….So here are some highlights of what we loved – and what we didn’t.

Kids Need Conflict

As a teacher of young children, you can imagine the amount of tattling I dealt with.  “She hit me!” “He’s cutting!” “They said I can’t play!” And time and time again, my response was the same- “What did you tell them?” Because I’m not going to help you fight a battle you haven’t even tried to solve yourself.

So you can also probably imagine my delight when I found that “It’s OK Not to Share” has a chapter on the importance of conflict in kids’ daily lives. They are going to have problems with other kids and, sometimes, even with adults. Sure, we could rush in and solve the problems for them, which frankly just seems soooo much easier sometimes. But what if we gave them the tools to resolve conflicts on their own? The author recommends that we teach kids to speak up for themselves, to use strong voices to set boundaries, and that they are in charge of themselves.  And if they can’t do it on their own? That’s where the adult steps in as a negotiator, helping the kids to solve the problems for themselves.

“I Hate You!” Is Nothing Personal/Go Ahead and Let Him Hate the Baby

I remember the first time Lila told me she hated me. I had just made her leave a toy she very much wanted behind at a friend’s house, because she threw a HORRIFIC tantrum about it.  She was absolutely, ridiculously furious, and those big words just spilled right out of her tiny little body.  She looked vaguely terrified of herself, like she didn’t know what she would do next.  I pulled the car over, pulled her out of her carseat, and gave her a giant hug. She collapsed into me and sobbed and we worked it out. So yes, I agree that there was nothing personal about her “I Hate You.”

However, I disagree with the author on one big point here- I don’t think that she should be allowed to tell me she hates me. I think the author kind of agrees with me on this one too, because a few chapters later, in “Go Ahead and Let Him Hate the Baby,” she states that the child should never say she doesn’t like the baby within earshot because it will hurt their feelings. What about MY feelings? I deserve to have my feelings protected to, and so no, I will not allow my kids to say they hate me. Even if it ISN’T personal.

It’s OK NOT to Share…

It’s the name of the book, so we better touch on the attention grabbing rule that has people going, “But…But…But!” Probably like most of you, when my child has something another child wants, the words, “Okay, finish up and give your friend a turn” just come tumbling out of my mouth. I definitely do it with my own kids.  Heck, I literally wrote a whole blog post about how I mastered the art of taking turns! The words are mostly habit at this point, and to be honest, a little bit courtesy to appease the other parent as much as the child. “See? My kid isn’t a toy hog!” But what if my child was in the middle of some really creative play? What happens to my child when I end that before he’s ready? I’m pretty hardcore on team play. I love watching my son and daughter use their imagination in incredibly inventive ways – ways that I certainly don’t want to stunt.

I really enjoy the way this book has you “Take Off Your Adult Lenses” to see things as the children see them. This chapter talks about how “interrupting play – and instantly rewarding the other child – doesn’t benefit either child.” And that “young children aren’t ready to share, they’re ready to take turns.” So it’s not about encouraging your child to be selfish, but rather to communicate when they’re done with a toy and to then be courteous. We’ve implemented it around here, and I’m digging it BIGtime.

We’re Not All Friends Here/Hang Up a “No Girls” Sign

Ahhhhhh, why didn’t I read this book years ago? I can only imagine all the anguish and stress I could have saved myself, agonizing over why Lila was excluding kids and refusing to play with the male friends she had played with just last week.  It’s not that I would  have allowed her to be unkind, but I wouldn’t have spent months crying and reading “Little Girls Can Be Mean” and considering taking her to a psychologist to work on her mean girl behavior.  Because she was three.  There are lots of strategies in the book- again, like dealing with conflict and helping the kids find a way to work things out on their own- to help kids learn to play better together, but at the end of the day, there’s going to be squabbles, and that doesn’t mean my kid will be turning into Regina George anytime soon. Thank God.

Bombs, Guns and Bad Guys Allowed

This one was definitely the one that had me pushing back the most prior to reading. We have one water gun hiding somewhere in the garage, but other than that, we are a gun free house. We were those parents that made a conscious and very purposeful choice to “not keep guns in the home.” I was very skeptical that this book could do anything to sway me. So, of course, I changed my mind and told Cole he could play with guns.

Cole is obsessed with all things superhero. He loves to wear a cape. He rescues his sisters. And yes he was turning really ordinary things into guns. The strangest was the stand from the cleaning set. The mop, broom, and dustpan were thrown aside and a gun was born. I was trying to fight it. And maybe it’s just that the book let me stop fighting it. Because it helped me understand that Cole has very few opportunities in his life to be a hero. He gets things wrong, a lot. He’s always being corrected and having to learn things and all the scolding. But when he puts on his costume and grabs his “shooter” he’s a strong, powerful, good guy. And it’s fantasy. He gets that it’s not real and he’s four. I’m thirty four and should be able to figure that out as well. The book points out that children playing parents use dolls, pirates use swords (which we don’t seem to have a problem with), chefs have pots and pans and fake food, so good guys and bad guys need props too.

Furtermore, there are lots of great tips for how to ease into gun-play if you have a knee jerk reaction (like I did!). Plus, and I found this super important, the author makes it clear that kids should ABSOLUTELY understand the difference between play guns and real guns and has some great pointers for discussing that as well!

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Did we pique your interest? Watch us discuss the book LIVE on FB, Monday, Sept 18 at 8:30pm PST!

Need to devour this book yourself? Snag a copy here and let us know what you think!

The Salty Mamas Book Club

Bouncing Babies, Married with Children, momlife, parenting

The Cure for Smugness

If you find yourself being one of those parents that’s maybe a tiny bit smug? (She says with authority, because, confession – she’s been there) You’re in luck. I have the cure for you! It’s one simple step. Ready for this:

Have another kid.

That’s it. If that still doesn’t work. Try this:

Repeat step 1.

See, once upon a time, my husband and I thought we had it figured out. We had this sweet, perfect little baby that did miraculous things like sleep through the night, happily took a pacifier, let everyone hold him, was content in the Ergo, delighted at trying all944608_10202187715560688_862048644_n my homemade purees, and was just SO. DAMN. EASYGOING. People would somewhat jokingly ask, “What’s your secret?” Chad, taking this very seriously would start talking about routines and the importance of establishing good habits young. If I was within earshot I would launch myself into the conversation shouting, “LUCKY! We got very, very lucky, we did NOTHING, he’s magical!”

See before Cole was born, I had seventeen nieces and nephews. And I’d spent a LOT of time around them all. I knew their tricks. And I KNEW that babies were born with a baseline. They were good sleepers or they weren’t. They took pacifiers or they didn’t. They ate lots of foods or they didn’t. And YES, what you did as a parent could move them up a notch or two from their baseline, but you couldn’t totally change a kid that hated sleep and got up for the day at 4:45 into one that fell asleep in 2.5 minutes, slept 12 hours and would be chill until you were good and ready to get up too.

More importantly, I knew that we wanted to have another, and that the Baby Gods will smite you good if you get too smug. So every time Chad boasted our parenting skills as the reason our baby was so good I feared for our fate.

Sure enough, Evie was born. And remember all those badass parenting skills? Well wouldn’t you know it, they did JACK for our baby girl. No routine in the world could get her to sleep through the night. She flatly refused bottles, meaning she was basically permanently attached to her exhausted Mom. She gagged on all purees and decided it 11009959_10206477012350427_4296049865354671709_nwould be more fun to only accept giant, chunky solids, stressing us out every step of the way. She wanted NO ONE except Mommy, not even her Father for a good while. Holding her was a process far more complicated than tying a MobyWrap or folding a fitted bed sheet. She was So. Damn. Particular. She wanted to be held by me, except when she wanted to sleep at which time she wanted to NOT be held, but she wanted to swing and she wanted a blanket on her face JUST so (but of course it had to be monitored and moved when she fell asleep) and on and on and on.

It was like starting completely from scratch. We accepted that we had no role in our son’s excellence as a baby and took no blame for our daughter being such a bitch challenge.

Then, we had our newest baby, Izzie. She’s so freaking pleasant. She wakes up with a smile on her face every day. She doesn’t sleep or take a bottle. She loves to be passed around and held. She freaks out within seconds of pooping demanding that she be changed immediately. She’ll snuggle into you and make you want 17353147_10212748520534212_9024233825403400090_na thousand babies because she’s so incredibly sweet. But everyday we’re learning more about her developing personality – often trying to ascribe her characteristics to either her big brother or big sister. But everyday is a reminder that she’s not just like Cole, or just like Evie, but is Izzie. A whole new person we have to figure out.

And just when we start to get cocky, she does something new to remind us that no matter how many kids we have, we still may have no freaking clue what we’re doing.

How to cure

 

Bujo, Mama Mojo, MicroLuxuries, Tips & Hacks

MicroLuxury Monday: Bujo to Pick Your Favorite Kid

As I’ve mentioned, I love me some bujo (bullet journaling). And God bless Pinterest for giving me all kinds of awesome inspiration – it’s a FABULOUS resource when you’re looking for monthly or weekly spreads, list ideas and trackers, ALL the trackers! But I have noticed a serious lack of bujo pages for Moms. So today I’ve got some tips for Moms that bujo and a couple page ideas I hope you’ll love!

Tip of the Day: Pick a weekly spread that is realistic.

I had to go through a few spreads before I found something that was functional for me, and that I could keep up with. Do not give up if you haven’t found yours yet. There is something for everyone – that’s one of the awesome things about bullet journaling.

Too Much WeeklyI started with this. Because it’s beautiful. And it’s got all the detail I could ever want in my life. I was gonna track my steps and my water and what I ate for every meal and snack and the WEATHER and I customized it a little so that I could have a cute little section at the bottom of each day to write something about each kid. Holy overkill, Batman. Check out how much I didn’t finish – and that was just the first three days. I fell off that one FAST.

Then I tried this spread. a little less info…I was only tracking one Medium Weeklymeal a day (better) I added some trackers for housework (for the record I did more than this, just didn’t track it) and health habits and then realized I hate daily trackers. I did like the little To-Do list and I thought it was an attractive layout, but after a few weeks I was over this one too. I still needed to simplify or this wasn’t going to be fun anymore.

Light Weekly

Then I went SIMPLE. And I LOVED it. Big ol’ blocks where I could write everything and a bonus space where I could add a family saying, something cute the kids did, etc. In the middle space I would write what I was reading, watching, anything over-arching for the week. I kept this spread up for a couple of months and then only switched it up for something different – but at least I’d found the kind of spread that works for me. Once you do, I promise it will improve your bujo satisfaction by like 500%.

Mom Friendly Pages

Monthly Stats

With three kids, I have fallen off the baby book bandwagon. Hard. When I had two I Kid Statswould say, “Cole was born at 10:56 in the morning. Evie was born at night.” With three? It got even worse. I did one of those Line a Day books with Cole that I kept up for like a year. With Evie I had little notes and post its and stuff in my pockets and purse and always was totally going to write them down somewhere permanent. With Izzie, I have just accepted that Facebook memories are going to remember for me. If Facebook shuts down I’m screwed.

Now I do often have a spot in my weekly spread to write a little something about each kid – whether daily or weekly. But it’s very open ended, and I know there are going to be a billion things I wish I remembered! So, inspired by Back to School printables with likes and dislikes and other kid info, I made a simple chart I can fill out for all the kids at the end of the month. Because like with the weekly spread style, I have to find a balance of what’s reasonable for me to commit to – and so far this feels good. I set it up at the beginning of the month so I can fill in as things happen or cram at the end. (Let’s face it – I cram at the end!)

How to Measure Which Kid is Your Favorite

Okay at the risk of tooting my own horn (toot! toot!) this is probably my favorite thing I’ve ever bujo’d. I was in a dark place with my baby’s sleep patterns. She was up. all. night. And then the other ones were getting up so early. (Or at least it felt early at the time). I felt like I had to channel my frustration with her into something tangible.

Enter: Kids Sleeping In Chart. Kids sleeping chartAs you can see, Evie, my little lavender dot, was clearly my favorite child that month. It was neck and neck for Cole and Izzie for a while, but Izzie had those God Awful open circles (which means she woke up but I eventually got her back to sleep). It was a silly chart, but the kids and I had fun doing it – every morning they would help get their colors and watch when I put their dots. Evie will still find the page and point to hers and say, “That’s me Mama?” Yep, my lovely little sleeper, that’s. you.

The cruel irony is that when I made that page – I thought the kids were getting up early. But these days they mostly get up in the 5:00 hour…..so I’m thinking it might be time to figure out which one’s my favorite again 😉

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Stay tuned next month when I’ll share some more pages for Mama’s Bujo! And let me know if you have any pages you’d like to see! Things you want to find a way to track! Or ideas for lists you need in your bujo 🙂

Salty Mama Bujo Tips and Hacks.png

 

Married with Children, momlife, parenting, The Daddys

Moana Makes Us Sob

Okay, so it can’t just be us- kids’ movies give us all.the.feelings sometimes.  Trolls? Who didn’t shed a little tear at that beautiful True Colors Duet? Or Finding Dory-did anyone else catch that her poor parents missed her ENTIRE CHILDHOOD? They can’t get that back, people! But that reunion, sigh. So lovely. And don’t even get me started on Up. Like, I can’t. I just can’t.

The most recent culprit? Moana, by a landslide.  But Moana can affect everyone so differently, and for such different reasons.  Will you simply trip on a taro root? Remind yourself that you know the way? Or discover friggin’ happiness is WHERE YOU ARE?!? Whoa, Moana. Whoa.

So? Where are you on the Sob-Spectrum?

Jaymi: Oh dear God, Lila is Moana. She loves her grandmas, she strays from convention, and she has to go her own way.  She is strong, beautiful, and brave. She trusts her instincts and chooses her own path, but thoughtfully and responsibly.  She knows who she is and can always find her way. And we just don’t freaking understand her sometimes. So, it’s sweet little tears for the first twenty minutes or so. And then at the part where she decides to leave, and the dad is mad cause he doesn’t understand yet, and the mom just gives her a little nod and helps her pack?!? It is like a flash forward to college, when Lila’s heading off to study fashion design in Tibet and I have to be like, “follow that voice inside, Lila” when really I want to be like, “Get your ass into nursing school.” Total onslaught of waterworks.

Christine: Don’t get me wrong. I’m made of stone. The whole “daughter going on a journey” thing? I can keep it together there. At this point Moana is a delightful story of a girl that wants to be on the ocean. Love it. Catchy tunes, that Maui cracks me up, and OH the crab. I get my old times Flight of the Conchords fix from the crab. Fun, fun, fun. And then she’s alone. On a boat. With the ghost of her Grandma. Singing. And that’s kind of a game changer. Because for us – family is EVERYTHING. And yes, my Nana passed away a little bit ago, so sue me if I cling to an eccentric cartoon Grandma. So when her Grandma sings to her and there’s a freaking key change, so you know it’s about to get real, and Moana finds out that “the call isn’t out there at all it’s inside me,” yeah, I start to get a little watery. Can you blame me?? And sure, maybe when she runs back to Ghost Grandma and the music swells as she says, “I will carry you here in my heart you’ll remind me that come what may, I know the way” my eyes swell too. I mean, she IS MOANA.

Chad (Christine’s Husband): You guys are crying at the wrong part. You cry when Moana is walking to Teka to restore the heart. I mean, she’s crossed the horizon to restore the heart and fix all of mankind! It’s about societal restoration and no matter what people do to you it’s how you respond. Moana telling Teka, “they have stolen the heart from inside you, but this does not define you” is a message to all of us that we are more than our circumstances! And fighting doesn’t get you anywhere, that’s why Maui failed. But you need someone that sees you. You just need that love, someone to say “this is not who you are, I know who you are.” It’s all about the love.

Michael (Jaymi’s Husband): Wait, you guys cry at Moana?

Everyone Else: You DON’T cry at Moana?!?

Michael: I don’t cry. Also, it’s a cartoon. Calm down.

 

Moana makes so many people cry...but for so many different reasons! What gets to you? thesaltymamas.com

 

momlife, The Salties, Why We're Salty

A Love Letter to the Delivery Man

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Dear Ramon,

You couldn’t have known today that you’d make such a huge difference in someone’s life. In fact, you probably feel sometimes like people look down on you, that your job isn’t important. Those people don’t understand the incredible service you provide. But make no mistake: you are an unsung hero. So I want to very publicly say, Thank you.

When I saw you pull up in front of my house, my heart skipped a beat. I ran to the door like it was Christmas morning, and you were my Santa Claus. No one has ever been so glad to gaze upon your Corolla, that I promise you. As you pulled bag after glorious bag out of your trunk, I could contain myself no longer, and babe in arms, I crossed the threshold of my door and very nearly ran to you. I was eager to do whatever I could to make your job easier, since you were making my whole life easier. I took one of the bags, more a token of my appreciation rather than actual help I suppose and we walked to the house together.

You may have noticed how over eager I was…. I didn’t plan on seeing another full grown person all day…but you didn’t seem put off. You may have noticed that I was wearing a bathrobe, possibly even adorned with some spittle, but you didn’t mention it. You professionally handed me my bags, ignoring the cries of children, the hoarder level mess inside and gave me a smile. A genuine smile from an adult! Then you said, “have a nice day.” I’m pretty sure all signs pointed to not a chance in hell of that nice day, but I appreciated the gesture just the same.

I gonna go out on a limb and assume I’m not the first Mom in stage 5 vomit hell you’ve probably come across in your line of work. You’ve probably delivered more bags of ginger ale and the BRAT diet than you can count. And in case the others were to frazzled to communicate their appreciation, I hope you understood that my “thank you” was not just from me. No, it was a thank you from thousands of quarantined Mom’s that asked themselves what we did before Amazon came and rescued us all.

Love,

One Salty Mama

*******

Do you somehow not have Amazon Prime? Do yourself a favor, at least get this free trial now before you’re neck deep in sick kids and in desperate need of a friendly face like Ramon’s. Trust me. You’ll be insanely glad you did.

 

Dear Ramon.png
MicroLuxuries, momlife, Why We're Salty

MicroLuxury: SLEEP

Once upon a time, I was a young, naïve person, that thought sleep was just a basic human right. Maybe it was written into the Constitution even…the Ten Commandments? I command thee to sleep! It made sense to me. Because whatever the case, I basically went to bed when I wanted to and woke up when I wanted to. Sure I had a job that required me to get to work by 8:30, but I – perhaps foolishly – considered myself a “morning person” and never had a problem with that schedule.

I wasn’t one of those losers that sleeps the day away.

Then kids.

And I realized that sleep is no right. It’s a privilege. Nay, it’s a down right luxury.

In case I forgot? My kids got me up at 4am today – while I’m on vacation. I took a walk with the baby in the pitch dark. Watched the sunrise. Got some work done. And was grumpy as hell about it. Because I may be a “morning person” but I have a strong belief that anything before 6am is NOT the morning. That is the middle of the night.

If you’re caught in the complete physical and mental mind eff that is zero sleep, and absolutely understand why sleep deprivation is considered torture, here are three little tips to help you enjoy the sweet, sweet, luxury that is sleep. At least once in a while.

  1. Sleep in.

This will probably work a MAX of one day a week. But hell, it’s gotta be better than zero days a year. Just think, if you play it right maybe you could sleep until 7 or – gasp – EIGHT! Like FIFTY TWO TIMES next year!! All you need to do is get the buy in from your partner. Have a loving conversation where you gently explain that you are so tired you might die. And make a deal. You’ll get up and keep everyone quiet on Saturdays, if they do Sundays. Or vice versa. Or trade off days. Whatever it is, make a deal. Reap the benefits. My loving conversation looked like this:

Me: Dude. I need you to get up with the kids once in a while or I’m going to die. Or you’re going to die. I’m not sure which yet, but someone’s gonna die if I can’t close my eyes.

Him: I don’t wanna die.

Me: Then you get up tomorrow with the kids and make them quiet. Take them in the yard. Take them to breakfast. Take them to Mexico. I don’t care. Mommy sleeps.

  1. NAP.

Hold on, lemme give you a minute to stop laughing.

Cool? Okay, hear me out. This may only work if you have nap-age kids. Or kids in school that are gone. Or you can use your partner on the weekend using the same conversation strategy as in tip #1.

If you’re working with nap age kids or school age kids and you’re home, it’s actually a pretty simple plan. You just. Freaking. Sleep. Yes, you have a MILLION things to do, so you can’t do this every day. So once a week the laundry piles up a little more. Or the dishes don’t get done. You’ll survive. The house won’t burn down. The mess can get cleaned up later. But you NEED to sleep.

If none of those are options, this is the one time you actually can throw money at the sleep problem. Hire a babysitter to watch the kids, while you nap. Yes, this is a thing. No comment on how I know.

  1. Go the eff to bed.

I’ve never been a late night person. I like to go to bed. But I had some built in sense of shame that knew it was super pathetic to fall asleep before ten. So I didn’t. I stayed up. Sometimes I had stuff to do. Other times, I tried to relax. (Because let’s face it, relaxation can be as elusive a luxury as sleep!)

But recently? I decided that if I wanted to go to sleep at 8:18, three minutes after I got all the kids down? Then that’s what I was going to do. Because I was going to be up all night with the baby, and up at dawn with all the kids, so let’s at least go to bed early AF.

Now, will this fix how chronically exhausted you are? No, not even put a dent in it. But once in a while, it’s nice to just indulge in the little luxury of sleep.

 
 

MicroLuxury Sleep