momlife, parenting

Mom-Style Super Powers

A Naptime Chat with Jaymi and Christine

J: So how did date night go? Did you make it to Wonder Woman before you fell asleep?
C: Yep. We had a very relaxing 32 minute dinner and chugged some margaritas first.
J: As one does.
C: Well we were going to go to, like, a 9:30 show, but we did the math on it and I go to sleep at 9:47 so pretty sure that wouldn’t have worked.
J: Gotcha.
C: So I was like, quick, throw all the chips in my mouth and bring me margaritas.
J: That sounds a little like heaven.
C: I got to eat all the chips without sharing. I mean, I had to share with Chad, but he’s old enough to ask for his own damn basket.
C: But yeah, anyways, the movie was like REALLY good. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t live up to all the positive reviews I’d seen but I REALLY liked it.
J: We’re gonna go see it next weekend and I REALLY want to like it.
C: I still thing the Lasso of Truth is weak though.
J: That is my reservation exactly. I mean, Lasso of Truth?!? I feel like they gave her the wimpiest super power, because GIRL.
C: No, she is SUCH a badass and I love her. And she’s from an island of KICKASS warriors. I can’t tell you much more because spoilers, but you’ll like it.
J: Okay now I’m excited again.
C: I think the lasso was just an unnecessary extra almost. Like in my life, lasso of truth could be cool. I’d tie Cole up and make him tell his secrets. What he did to Evie, etc. “Did you REALLY have three bites of your chicken?”
J: OMG YES. But I’d be too tempted to use it on Michael, and sometimes you don’t want the TRUTH truth. Like, do I want to know if you REALLY like my haircut? No. No I do not.
C: Or, “What do you think of the house?” Chad: “This place is a wreck! Did you even do anything today?”
C: Or worse, he’d jack it and use it on me, hahaha. “No! For once I didn’t do anything today! I sat on chat eating a taco with old Southern Charm episodes on in the background!” But the baby is literally attached to me, so that at least counts as something productive.
J: So productive! And you deserve a day off.
J: Okay, oh no, for real, I have surprise houseguests on the way to my house so I have to do a mad scramble. Because of course.
C: OMG NO!!!
J: Yes, and like it’s usually level V clean when they’re here. Right now we’re at negative 3. Pray for me.
Four hours later.

J: Okay we made it. It ended up being just the husband coming so my house was appropriately clean. And I’m glad I didn’t mop because I made cookies with the kids and there’s flour everywhere.
C: Your version of clean is very nice.
J: Why thank you. Maybe my superpower is speed cleaning. But maybe I have two superpowers, because I do have a Super Sense of Direction, too. Like the assassins in Assassin’s Creed. I go to a new area and BOOM. My mental map expands and I just know where everything is.
C: I have zero skill in that. I freeze and freak out, haha
J: I will pilot all of our adventures then. And you can bring your Lasso of Truth.
C: F that, I want something useful like the ability to stop time. So I could get shit DONE.
J: omg yes.
C: It would be like my kids actually all napping at the same time, but for as long as I want.
J: And if your kids are driving you crazy, you just push pause, have a Cherry Coke, and resume life when you’re in a better place. I always say I want my super power to be the ability to never sleep without getting tired. Because I could get all my work done, read for hours, and basically do whatever the hell I want while the rest of the house is asleep.
C: No, see I hate that. Like when I watch Twilight, it makes me sad that the vampires don’t sleep.
J: Why?!? I’m like, “Those lucky bastards!”
C: Because when you have time to sleep it’s soooooo nice. You lay in bed, you watch a show, maybe a snuggle, drift to sleep and it feels soooo good. I just don’t have time for it.
J: I forgot that was a thing that happens.
C: Hence stopping time.
J: Well maybe with my super power you just don’t HAVE TO sleep, but you can if you want to. But you might be on to something with stopping time.
C: Feed the baby, put the kids to bed, STOP TIME, all the sleep, wake up, start time, they’re still sleep, and you get shit done.
J: But if you want, like, a week off…do you get older while your family stays young?
C: Oh no, that would be bad. I’m already aging exponentially.
J: If you didn’t need to sleep, think how refreshed and non-wrinkly you’d look.
C: Cole asked me what the squiggles on my face were yesterday.
J: If you didn’t need to sleep, you could watch all the makeup tutorials on YouTube and contour the wrinkles away.
C: Or do all the side hustles so I could throw some money at the problem.
J: Yes! See I’m on to something here.
C: I still say stopping time for the win.
J: We’ll have to call it a draw.
C: Weird one- I was watching trolls and thought, what if you could poop cupcakes
J: No, girl. No. I Could.Not.Get.Past.It.
C: Too far? But what if it was to feed random people that just show up?
J: Oh snap. You might have me there.
C: Like, thanks for coming, here’s a to-go plate of FRESHLY MADE cupcakes? I mean, they just showed up out of nowhere. They deserve it.
J: And they’ll never get it out of me where they actually came from. Not even with the Lasso of Truth.

collage-2017-07-05-17_40_42.jpg

Caffeine, koefoe party of 5, momlife, parenting, Traditions

Family Breakfast

Once you’re running around with a herd of kids, some things just don’t happen if you don’t make them a priority. If you don’t give them the sacred status of a “tradition.” Plans can be cancelled, but you don’t F with tradition.

And so it is that every Saturday morning, rain or shine, feeling like it or not, we load up all the kids and head to our local breakfast spot, The Potholder. (Or as Evie says “Popholder”) We went once on a lark, when we had just two kids. Evie was still a bucket baby that we could take in her carseat as she – God willing – slept peacefully while we ate. We had a good breakfast, but more than that we had a good meal. The next Saturday, we decided to try it again. And again.  And again. Before we knew it, we had a tradition. We had our spot. We had our “thing.”
Those early days were a fun time to focus on our firstborn,  give him some attention while the baby slept. Dinners as a family were touch and go….Mommy exhausted from a day of doing all the things, Daddy tired from working hard to take care of us. Cooking was a chore that prevented me from embracing the meal that followed, restaurants even worse. Saturday mornings seemed to be just the ticket. We were refreshed and looking forward to all the weekend had to offer. We had the confidence of parents that were going to tackle it all together – starting with breakfast.

As Evie grew, we had mornings that were absolute nightmares. More food on the floor than in anyone’s stomachs; jelly wars leaving everyone sticky and grumpy; bitter battles fought over the potential stacking of creamers – an activity that inevitably ends in an explosion causing you to ask, “how can there be SO MUCH CREAM in that thimble???” I felt the eyes of the other patrons burning into my soul, sure they were asking themselves why, OH WHY, we thought it was a good idea to go out in public with these kids. We left big messes – and even bigger tips -in our wake, shouting both apologies and promises to see everyone next week.

But some days are like pure magic. Our kid are polite, the people in the neighboring booth smiling at us as though we’ve done something right. IMG_20170128_075912310[164].jpgThey happily share pancakes, not even fighting over the melting glob of butter they both covet. The fold their hands and wait for the food, Evie squealing “our food is coming!” with a look that contains more excitement than the grown up me knows how to possess anymore. They play games we made up as we wait for our food, making us laugh and smile and wonder how in the hell we got so lucky to have these kids. And that’s what we call “The Sweet Spot.” It’s an elusive moment when everyone is pleasant. It’s fleeting, so sometimes I feel afraid to blink and miss it.

So we go when the kids are terrible. We go when they are lovely. We go when I feel like I could take on the world. We go when I ask Taylor, our regular waitress, to administer an IV drip of hazelnut coffee. We’ve gone when I was 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant. We’ve gone with a five day old.

But we go.

Someday we’ll stop going. And it will probably break my heart. So for now, we go.