The parenting books prepare you for a lot of stuff. They help you get your baby to sleep through the night. They walk you through eating solids. They give you all the tips for potty training. But they don’t explain why are kids so disgusting?
When I was pregnant, I read some parenting books. I had been a certified baby sitter. I had a slew of nieces and nephews. I knew what to do. I was ready!
Then I had this toddler and I found myself asking the questions that the parenting books avoided. Questions like, why do kids eat boogers? Or how long will I be wiping poop?
These questions go unanswered because, frankly, they’re disgusting. And who wants to really talk about all the disgusting things kids do? No one trying to make it onto the New York Times Bestseller list!
That’s what you’ve got us! Here are 6 disgusting things kids do.
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Kids Do Gross Stuff with Boogers
This is one of those situations where before you have kids you can easily say, “my kids will NEVER.” Then you have kids and they NEVER harder than you could have ever imagined. You think your kids will never pick their nose and then you’re changing the sheets on their bed and you discover – to your horror – that they have a BOOGER WALL.
Or you’re driving on the freeway and you look in your rearview mirror, expecting to see your sweet toddlers face and instead see your sweet toddler snacking on a booger. It’s so gross. And you can tell them it’s gross and they just don’t care. So you tell yourself it’s a phase and pray it ends soon.
Because it turns out, we don’t really want to know why kids eat boogers.
They Will Touch Anything
For most little kids – nothing is off limits. A cigarette butt on the ground? Let’s pick it up. A chewed peice of gum stuck on the bottom of a table? I wonder what that feels like. I can’t tell you how many things I have slapped right out of my kids hands while frantically looking around for a bathroom so I can disinfect everything.
You’ll need to carry around hand sanitizer at all times to deal with this disgusting kid habit. Buy them in bulk. You will not regret it.
They Will Lick Anything
Unfortunately, hand sanitizer isn’t going to get you out of this one. The fact is, you think you raised them right and then you’re at Disneyland and you look over and your kid is licking a handrail. Like, what??? WHY???
It’s one of the many disgusting things that kids do, and it’s one that really doesn’t have a hack to fix. You can’t clean it, make it go away, or change it once it’s done. They’ve licked the disgusting thing and the countdown to the plague is ON.
They Cough on Your Face
For most of the world, the past three years have been a crash course in coughing into your elbow. My two year old was born into a world where coughing etiquette was a top priority. And YET, he will cough directly into my open mouth as if it’s instinctual.
Which means I have to fight my instinct to push that little germ factory away from me. I mean, what else are we supposed to do? Just give into this disgusting thing kids do? No thank you!
Someday You’ll Catch Vomit in Your Hands
I remember being sick as a kid and laying on the couch watching Price is Right with a towel on my pillow and a lined waste basket next to me on the floor. So I thought I was super ready to have a sick kid. I knew the setup!
Toddlers are not ready for that setup. They may not even be able to tell you they don’t feel well. One minute they’re sitting there seemingly fine and the next minute you’re trying to catch throw up in your hands. It’s a total nightmare – and a really disgusting thing kids do.
We once had a sick – and scared toddler – throw up over the side of her crib while running back and forth the length of the crib. (I still award Daddy ALL the bonus points for cleaning that up while I gave the sickie snuggles).
Helpful hack: Always have some cheap coffee grinds on hand! Sprinkle them over the mess and wait a few minutes. The coffee will help soak up the moisture and neutralize odor and it’s easier to clean.
Related Post: Car Sick Kit for Kids (Plus Ways to Help Prevent It)
You’re Gonna Wipe Poop for a LONG Time
New parents may anticipate potty training as the end of their poop woes. The kid can go on the potty now – we’re almost in the clear right? WRONG. Save the celebration for another day. There may still be a LONG ROAD AHEAD to full poop independence.
Saying goodbye to diapers tragically does not mean saying goodbye to wiping poop. Toddlers will DEFINITELY need help – and you’ll be glad to help because the alternative is even worse.
SURELY preschoolers are wiping themselves right? Maybe. But other kids will be asking for help for years. Whether they really can’t do it or have a crisis of confidence, your help may be needed for much longer than you’d hoped.
Related Post: Things I Wish They Told Me About Potty Training
But We Still Love These Disgusting Kids!
Look, at the end of the day – boogers and all – we love these kids. And it doesn’t really matter why kids are so disgusting. They’re our disgusting babies. So we’ll take the good, we’ll take the bad, we’ll even take the vomit! Because they’re also so dang adorable.
And this is just a phase.