Mama Mojo, MicroLuxuries, momlife

Salty Mama GIVEAWAY WEEK!

Happy one month Blogiversary to US! But we wouldn’t even be celebrating if it weren’t 20394810_10102375932703917_1705905480_ofor YOU, so we’ve got a week full of fun and giveaways that we’re excited to gift to you!

We’re gonna keep on blogging all week, so you’re going to want to make sure you’ve liked us on Facebook to keep up with all the ways to win! Once you like us on Facebook, comment DONE here and you’ll have your first entry!

You can also follow us on Instagram and on Twitter for more chances! We’ll have mini prizes all week long, from Salty Mama swag to Starbucks gift cards to shop credits at our favorite Etsy shops!

Next Monday we’ll draw our grand prize winner to see who will win a Sweet & SaltyMama Double Duty Caddy from Thirty One (told you my side hustle could benefit you ;)) full of goodies including a SaltyMama apron, SaltyMama water cup, a MicroLuxury starter kit, and a $25 Amazon gift card!!  Good luck!!

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Earn more entries by posting your #saltymamaselfie telling us what makes YOU salty using #satlymamasnightout and make sure to tag us on whatever platform you post!!

While we love our international fans, this contest is open to residents of the US and Canada. It would cost a million dollars to ship this thing overseas, and we ain’t got it like that…yet anyways 😉 

momlife, parenting

Mom-Style Super Powers

A Naptime Chat with Jaymi and Christine

J: So how did date night go? Did you make it to Wonder Woman before you fell asleep?
C: Yep. We had a very relaxing 32 minute dinner and chugged some margaritas first.
J: As one does.
C: Well we were going to go to, like, a 9:30 show, but we did the math on it and I go to sleep at 9:47 so pretty sure that wouldn’t have worked.
J: Gotcha.
C: So I was like, quick, throw all the chips in my mouth and bring me margaritas.
J: That sounds a little like heaven.
C: I got to eat all the chips without sharing. I mean, I had to share with Chad, but he’s old enough to ask for his own damn basket.
C: But yeah, anyways, the movie was like REALLY good. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t live up to all the positive reviews I’d seen but I REALLY liked it.
J: We’re gonna go see it next weekend and I REALLY want to like it.
C: I still thing the Lasso of Truth is weak though.
J: That is my reservation exactly. I mean, Lasso of Truth?!? I feel like they gave her the wimpiest super power, because GIRL.
C: No, she is SUCH a badass and I love her. And she’s from an island of KICKASS warriors. I can’t tell you much more because spoilers, but you’ll like it.
J: Okay now I’m excited again.
C: I think the lasso was just an unnecessary extra almost. Like in my life, lasso of truth could be cool. I’d tie Cole up and make him tell his secrets. What he did to Evie, etc. “Did you REALLY have three bites of your chicken?”
J: OMG YES. But I’d be too tempted to use it on Michael, and sometimes you don’t want the TRUTH truth. Like, do I want to know if you REALLY like my haircut? No. No I do not.
C: Or, “What do you think of the house?” Chad: “This place is a wreck! Did you even do anything today?”
C: Or worse, he’d jack it and use it on me, hahaha. “No! For once I didn’t do anything today! I sat on chat eating a taco with old Southern Charm episodes on in the background!” But the baby is literally attached to me, so that at least counts as something productive.
J: So productive! And you deserve a day off.
J: Okay, oh no, for real, I have surprise houseguests on the way to my house so I have to do a mad scramble. Because of course.
C: OMG NO!!!
J: Yes, and like it’s usually level V clean when they’re here. Right now we’re at negative 3. Pray for me.
Four hours later.

J: Okay we made it. It ended up being just the husband coming so my house was appropriately clean. And I’m glad I didn’t mop because I made cookies with the kids and there’s flour everywhere.
C: Your version of clean is very nice.
J: Why thank you. Maybe my superpower is speed cleaning. But maybe I have two superpowers, because I do have a Super Sense of Direction, too. Like the assassins in Assassin’s Creed. I go to a new area and BOOM. My mental map expands and I just know where everything is.
C: I have zero skill in that. I freeze and freak out, haha
J: I will pilot all of our adventures then. And you can bring your Lasso of Truth.
C: F that, I want something useful like the ability to stop time. So I could get shit DONE.
J: omg yes.
C: It would be like my kids actually all napping at the same time, but for as long as I want.
J: And if your kids are driving you crazy, you just push pause, have a Cherry Coke, and resume life when you’re in a better place. I always say I want my super power to be the ability to never sleep without getting tired. Because I could get all my work done, read for hours, and basically do whatever the hell I want while the rest of the house is asleep.
C: No, see I hate that. Like when I watch Twilight, it makes me sad that the vampires don’t sleep.
J: Why?!? I’m like, “Those lucky bastards!”
C: Because when you have time to sleep it’s soooooo nice. You lay in bed, you watch a show, maybe a snuggle, drift to sleep and it feels soooo good. I just don’t have time for it.
J: I forgot that was a thing that happens.
C: Hence stopping time.
J: Well maybe with my super power you just don’t HAVE TO sleep, but you can if you want to. But you might be on to something with stopping time.
C: Feed the baby, put the kids to bed, STOP TIME, all the sleep, wake up, start time, they’re still sleep, and you get shit done.
J: But if you want, like, a week off…do you get older while your family stays young?
C: Oh no, that would be bad. I’m already aging exponentially.
J: If you didn’t need to sleep, think how refreshed and non-wrinkly you’d look.
C: Cole asked me what the squiggles on my face were yesterday.
J: If you didn’t need to sleep, you could watch all the makeup tutorials on YouTube and contour the wrinkles away.
C: Or do all the side hustles so I could throw some money at the problem.
J: Yes! See I’m on to something here.
C: I still say stopping time for the win.
J: We’ll have to call it a draw.
C: Weird one- I was watching trolls and thought, what if you could poop cupcakes
J: No, girl. No. I Could.Not.Get.Past.It.
C: Too far? But what if it was to feed random people that just show up?
J: Oh snap. You might have me there.
C: Like, thanks for coming, here’s a to-go plate of FRESHLY MADE cupcakes? I mean, they just showed up out of nowhere. They deserve it.
J: And they’ll never get it out of me where they actually came from. Not even with the Lasso of Truth.

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Cheapskating, Kids' Activities, momlife, parenting

Those “Cheap” Summer Movies

Let’s talk about those cheap summer movies for a minute.
On the one hand, you’ve got the glory of being the cool mom for a second. You took your kids to the movies! It’s air conditioned! The kids are happy, they’re enthralled, they’re living the dream. This experience was MADE for little kids, so you don’t have to worry if they’re wiggly, or chatty, or if they shout/sing along with the chorus to the movie’s theme song. Because there is a concert of 50 other lispy little voices telling Poppy to get back up again, too. Kids are dancing, kids are laughing boisterously, moms are sneak-opening cans of cherry coke (I’m looking at you, Christine) and relaxing back into their soft, squishy chairs for what almost passes as a break.
But. BUT.
Those concessions, y’all. You pay $1 for the movie, and $16.50 for one ounce of popcorn. This has got to be the whole point of the $1 movie experience from the theater’s perspective, cause you know they have to be making a profit somewhere, and it ain’t from my pocket change.
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Now, if you have somehow managed to make it into the movies without your kids knowing the concession stand exists, or they are content with your smuggled in snacks, or your kids are just so lovely they take no for an answer, we salute you. We applaud you. We envy you.

If someone (I’m looking at you, Daddy) has ruined the movies forever with a kids’ snack pack that has been upgraded to include an Icee AND a full size candy? We are so sorry. We feel you. We are here for you.

So when you get to the front of the concession line, because you’re gonna get them SOMETHING , because AVOIDING TANTRUMS, don’t try to ask for a large Icee split into three cups, because I’m here to tell you, they won’t do it.

Order a large Icee and three water cups, hold the water. Then get to work, mama. You’ve got a movie to see and that Icee ain’t gonna split itself.
momlife, parenting

6:59 am

There are certain things that should not happen before 7am.

The phone should not ring. The neighbors gardener shouldn’t use his blower outside my bedroom window.

And my children should not be playing with Play Doh.  play doh mess

Yet here we are. 6:59 on a Wednesday and we’re elbow deep in Play Doh. Mommy confession: Play Doh is NOT my jam. Most of this is because I’m a control freak monster. Yes, I’m one of those people that spends way too much time and energy making sure none of the doh colors touch. If I have to sit and play endlessly with it, I at least need to be touching vibrant pinks and blues and neon greens. Getting orders from my son the likes of, “Make me a bicycle, clown!” are just too depressing when I have to use a color that is far to close to that of my baby’s endless poops.

And frankly, it requires far more parental supervision that I’m ready to provide this early in the day. My day is a carefully constructed model shaped around when I’m most prepared to tend to my children’s needs.

An average day is as follows:

Dawn: Breakfast. I can’t get out of this one. No matter how I try to work it, I’ve yet to master a four year old, two year old and 8 month old being in charge of their own breakfast. Now, THAT would be my miracle morning….but that is another post for another day!

Early morning: Now that the children have been fed (the first of SEVERAL times today they’ll expect this courtesy) I have set up a BEAUTIFUL expectation that they are to play like angels in one of their rooms. I even let them pick which one! They can play trains or dress up in my son’s room! They can play restaurant or dolls in my daughter’s room! They can pick EITHER room and put on an animal show! I’m very flexible! Just play alone for 42 minutes so that I can drink coffee and watch Real Housewives of New York for God’s sakes! Of course, that only ever occurs on the world’s most perfect day. Usually, I get 7 ½ minutes of freedom and then 34 ½ minutes of being on edge trying to hear what Bethenny and Luann are fighting about, punctuated by screams where I run in and beg the question, “why is your sister crying????”

Mid-morning until as long as physically possible: We leave the house. Go Anywhere. Get outside. Look for distraction around every corner. Maybe we go live at the YMCA for the day. Maybe we go torment some kids at a park. I don’t know, just DON’T. BE. HERE.

And then…..the moment we’ve ALL been waiting for…..NAPTIME!!!

Once upon a time, in the beautiful days of two children, this was a magical hour, where I would gently lay my angelic children down and they would drift off into a peaceful slumber AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.  Now, I pray that I get 2/3 down at the same time. And that the third will take a “rest” aka watch Paw Patrol on a loop. If all goes REALLY well, I’ll eat food. Yes, actual food! And I won’t share it with ANYONE!! Ahh, the dream.

Afternoon: THIS is the time for Play Doh. For arts and crafts. For getting creative and making a list of things to look for on a nature walk around the neighborhood. This is the magical moment when I’m the BEST version of my Mama self. (I largely give credit to that food that I ate). We all play together, I drink pretend tea, I take care of pretend babies, I fall endlessly into a world of make believe. We play soccer in the yard, we sit in the dirt and play with dinosaurs, we even PAINT. We love each other and our lives and it’s freaking perfect.

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5PM. The Witching Hour. It all. Goes. To. Shit.

Do you actually have tiny people living in your house? Then you know exactly what I’m talking about. They forget about all that nice time I JUST spent with them and become actual living demons. It’s like they can SMELL how eager I am for my husband to get home from work. They can sense that I need to be responsible and make dinner for everyone. They simultaneously want all the food in the house but will stop at NOTHING to prevent me from being able to actually prepare any of it. The screams, the tantrums, the fighting, it’s honest to goodness like a dark spell has been cast over the house. I half expect Voldomort himself to show up in my backyard.

“5:45” – but it’s usually more like 6:30 – DADDY IS HOME! The children throw a parade in his honor. They wipe away their tears, forget their injuries and become the sweetest, most loving children that ever existed on the face of the planet, because Daddy. He asks me about my day and cannot POSSIBLY believe that these sweet angels are the children I’ve been texting him about all day.

But who cares, Daddy is home. We dinner. We bathe. We bedtime. We made it through another day.

And God-willing, tomorrow morning we will NOT be getting the Play Doh out before 7am.

momlife

Introducing the Salty Mamas!

Who are you?

We are proof that true love CAN be found on the internet. We’re a couple of Mama’s that straight up met through a Meet Up group of other Mommys that happened to have kids at the same time. It could have gone terribly wrong. I mean, who ever said that just because you pushed a person out of your hoo-hah at the same time as someone else you had to become BFFs?? But we did and we did. Three years and five kids between us later, we decided to memorialize a bunch of conversations we’ve had across a table at Chick-Fil-A and this blog was born. 

Okay, but who ARE you? 

I’m Christine, stay at home saltymama to Cole – 4, Evie – 2 and Izzie – under a year. (I could get specific, saltymama christinebut then I’ll have to update this all the time and let’s admit I won’t remember so just know she’s a baby). Once upon a time I planned huge events and fundraisers and was important to making things happen. Then I took a sharp turn and decided to hone my focus on bringing tiny humans into the world and keeping them alive. It doesn’t always come easily, and it sure as hell didn’t come naturally, but I try to find the humor in everything. Even when it probably isn’t appropriate. Also, sometimes saltywife to Chad. But he loves me anyway.   

saltymama JaymiI’m Jaymi, stay at home saltymama to Lila, 4, and Abram, 1, and saltywife to Michael. In a former life I was a special education teacher, but I traded handling tantrums at work for…well, for handling tantrums at home. I’m a micro-hustling, multi-crafting, self-professed cheapskate with a passion for life’s teeny tiny luxuries and a penchant for keeping things real.  

 

Why so salty?

Because salt is the new snark. Because nosy bitches everywhere think that just because we became Moms they get to pass judgement on everything from what we feed our kids to how often we bathe them to how we spend our money. Because there’s just too much competition in Motherhood these days. Because sometimes, our kids are jerkfaces. Because our husbands, love them as we do, are engineers and make us crazy some days. And because embracing the saltiness, weaving it into the fabric of our motherhood and, of course, tossing some on the rim of a margarita glass every now and then, keeps us sane and happy. Because if you’re not embracing it and laughing? You’re fighting it and crying. And where’s the fun and joy in that?