Being home with my kids is a blessing. I know it. Most days, I’m grateful. Most days are fantastic. And then there are those OTHER days. The days where you’re bored, and the kids are bored, and everyone is just a little bit off. The fact that the day is SUPPOSED to be a blessing somehow makes the whole thing worse, and you find yourself with a case of the Mondays on a Wednesday morning. The toddler schedule isn’t working, you’re not the fun and funny mom you usually are, and you’re questioning your ability to actually parent these tiny little monsters. You start to spiral, and then decide that, come Hell or high water, this day will be salvaged. You will BEAT these stay at home mom problems. You pour yourself a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, and begin your journey through the various levels of parenting desperation.
Tag: mom humor
Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Moms of Many
The internet has educated us on some important do’s and don’ts for the Nosy Nelly’s of the world. We know you don’t get to ask people when they’re having kids or if they’re having kids at all. We’ve established that you don’t get to ask people why they’re only having one kid. We’ve hammered home to not ask pushy questions about when people are adding to their family. Granted, some people will ask despite knowing all this, because they’re just those kinds of people.
But what if you’re the family that got married and had kids a year later. And then got pregnant again 9 months after that. And then got pregnant 12 months after that. And then decided that you’re actually not done having kids even though in my experience three seems to be the assumed maximum number of children a person should have. Because that’s our family. We’ve got three an we don’t plan on being done. Maybe we’ll have one more, maybe two, maybe my husband suggests three and I freak out and say “Don’t push it bro.”
But that family, my family, well guess what internet? You don’t get to ask that Mom really personal questions either. So here’s my list of actual questions I’ve been asked by strangers.
Oh, and the answers I wish I had said.
(Okay, sometimes I did say them….)
Lies Parents Tell Their Kids (#SorryNotSorry)
We’re gonna go ahead and put it out there- parents lie to their kids all the time. Like, ALL the time. The lies we tell our kids range from the big and widely accepted (we’re looking at you, Santa) to the small and overused (“we’re leaving soon!”). But either way? Yeah, #SorryNotSorry. Not even a little bit. So now, in no particular order, we present to you the lies we tell our kids on a regular basis.
Continue reading “Lies Parents Tell Their Kids (#SorryNotSorry)”
MORE Open Letters to the People That Make Us Salty
As Moms (and Dads) sometimes we are shocked by the things that people think it’s okay to say – and do – us. Unfortunately, due to our broken #mombrains, we don’t always come up with the perfect response in the moment. So instead, we write anonymous passive aggressive lighthearted letters full of mom humor to the people that have wronged us. Yes, I’m talking about more letters to even more people that made us downright salty. Did you miss Part One? Make sure to check it out here and then come back to virtually punch some people in the face with me. As always, let us know who you’d add in the comments!
Continue reading “MORE Open Letters to the People That Make Us Salty”
7 Moms That Will Make You Laugh at a Kids’ Indoor Playground
It’s winter, and the weather is pretty disagreeable these days. Moms everywhere are desperate to find somewhere-anywhere!– where their kids can run, yell, play, and burn off some of that ENDLESS energy. En masse, we all flock to the nearest kids’ indoor playground, which quickly turns into a roiling mass of noisy, busy, happy kids and toddlers- and their mothers. In no particular order, here are the seven types of parents you can expect to see while you’re there.
Continue reading “7 Moms That Will Make You Laugh at a Kids’ Indoor Playground”
What We Wish We’d Gotten For Christmas
At the risk of sounding like HUGE jerks…there’s just a few things we WISH we would have gotten for Christmas. I mean, they are largely impossible, but still… a Salty Mama can dream! Continue reading “What We Wish We’d Gotten For Christmas”
If You Give a Daddy a Task…
If you give a Daddy a task, he’ll smile and say sure.
He’ll start to unload the dishwasher, by putting away the glasses.
When he gets to the cabinet, he’ll realize there are a lot of glasses we don’t use.
He’ll go unload the Amazon box of baby’s birthday presents to use for storing glasses to donate.
Once he starts with glasses, he’ll think about the vases you can probably get rid of too.
Looking at all that nice space in the cabinet, he’ll remember that the cabinet above the refrigerator could use some reorganizing as well.
In that cabinet, he’ll notice that he doesn’t really use the mini kegerator as often as we used to, and will suggest that we sell it.
The kegerataor will need to be set up somewhere with good lighting, so he can take a picture to post on a trash and treasure sale site.
Since someone comments right away, he’ll need to spend 25 minutes texting back and forth with the guy about beer refrigeration and tubes and keg prices.
Now that he’s on the internet, he’ll see an article he needs to click on.
And another.
And another.
And since he’s fallen down the rabbit hole, Mommy will need to go unload the dishwasher.
All because you gave a Daddy a task.
Things That Make Us Saltier Than They Should
Yes, sometimes as Mom’s we’re way too excited about the little things. Like an extra piece of chicken or getting a good cart at the grocery store. But on the flip side? We’re sometimes overly salty – and I’m not talking about being salty in the good way like McDonald’s fries. I’m talking about the fact that we’re chronically exhausted and under-caffeinated no matter how hard we try to drink all the Cokes and coffees, and sometimes that makes us go from zero to salty in 2 shakes.
- When people order a plain old Coca Cola from a Coke Freestyle machine (we’re looking at you, Michael). You’ve got allllll the choices in the world, and you choose to be boring. I can’t. It’s just such a waste of a Cherry-coke-esque opportunity. See Also: people who order vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting at bakeries that pride themselves on having a million flavors (I’m looking at you, Nicole).
- People who try to “cut” in line while merging onto the freeway. And I know I’m not alone in this. But I think it’s the teacher in me that simply cannot stomach someone breaking kindergarten rules. I’m assuming you’ve know said rule for at LEAST 11 years if you’re driving a car, and you STILL don’t know not to break it? So. Rude.
- People on NextDoor who are like, “Does Anyone Have a Brand New Fridge They Want to Give Away?” Or similar. I get that there’s technically no harm in asking, and I also get that you just MIGHT find someone who feels like being a good neighbor. But I once saw requests for a new toilet, an astronomy book, and someone who would let a stranger crash on their couch for the night (!) in the same day. I know I shouldn’t be THIS annoyed by it, but I JUST AM.
- When my coupons won’t load at a Fast Food Place. I once refused to pay at a Taco Bell because they couldn’t scan my gift card, because I wouldn’t have gone there if I’d known their scanner was down (I feel like this is information that should have been stated upfront). I was like, “no thanks, keep my burritos,” but ended up just getting them free instead. So I guess I’m not THAT salty about this one.
- Stupid questions. I hate to break it to every teacher I ever had, but there ARE stupid questions. Like my husband asking where the pajamas are. In the exact same place they’ve been since the day our child was born. You KNOW this. I know you do. Just think my love! And then I won’t LOSE.MY.MIND. For the love of God just help me out here.
- Places that don’t serve our preferred soda. It doesn’t matter if you’re team Coke or team Pepsi – because you’re going to be pissed half the time either way. And sometimes, it can feel like they’ve selected your soda nemesis just to spite you. They didn’t, but still. Tell that to a tired Mom that just wants her Coke. Or Pepsi.
- When I can’t get a spot for the kids at the YMCA. I actually feel especially bad about this one, because I’m getting a SCREAMING deal on the amount of money I spend in relation to the amount of hours I use their facilities. But still. If I really want to get in on Wednesday morning and I call Wednesday morning even though it’s totally on me and I should have called Monday? I die a little inside when they’re all filled up.
- Crappy creamer. It’s off in the distance – a big, beautiful carafe of free coffee, and then you get closer and there’s just a jug of that powdered stuff. Look, I’m not saying I need some soy organic lavender infused vanilla bean creamer. Hell, I don’t even need a flavored creamer. But something – anything – liquid please?
- Waking up at 6:17 even when the kids aren’t home. Like this morning. When the kids are at Grammy’s but they’ve trained me so good I’m up at dawn. How I miss the days when I was able to just sleep in and enjoy a lazy morning!! But at least I’ll drink my coffee while it’s hot today…
We know you all MUST have some Super-Salty-Pet-Peeves of your own. We’d love to hear them in the comment section!
(And yes we DO know these are all first world problems, thank you very much. We also get salty about important things too, but let’s be honest, we’re not laughing about those, and neither would you. So this list is gonna have to do for now.)
