Motherhood is Sweeter with a Dash of Salt
If you have kids, you are NO stranger to all the crazy reasons that they’ll throw a fit. And yet, no matter how many tantrums you’ve witnessed, you’ll never stop being amazed at the things kids can freak out over. So we scoured Twitter for some of the funniest, craziest, most ludicrous reasons kids cry. Then, we asked our followers – Why did your kids cry?
Continue reading “Most Hillarious “My Kid is Crying” Tweets”
You’re in the home stretch of bedtime. Your kids have been bathed. Their teeth are brushed, their jammies are on, and only a bedtime story stands between you and two hours of sweet freedom. You settle down into your kid’s bed, and ask your child to choose the book they want to read tonight.
And then it happens.
Your child brings you – that book. One of the world’s WORST children’s books.
You beg them to choose another- “what about one of the new ones from the library?” or “I’ll read you a whole chapter of Harry Potter!”- but they simply won’t be swayed. You’re going to have to do it. You’re going to have to read a kids’ book that you HATE.
And the odds are? It’s one of these six. Read on for the worst children’s books- the ones we simply can’t STAND to read.
The kids are going back to school, and we’re having all the feelings about it. But at least we can take to Twitter to know that we are not alone. Check out these sometimes hilarious, sometimes kicks you in the feels, but always keepin’ it real, back to school tweets.
Everybody wants their kids to go back to school, until they’re stranded on the toilet without toilet paper and no one’s around to grab a new roll.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 17, 2018
“Let me tell you the rules of school. First, there’s no kissing.”
– Lila, 4yo #boycrazy#priorities #backtoschool #preK #thingskidssay #kids— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) August 20, 2017
Just when I think I have this parenting thing down, my 9 y/o daughter looks at me while back to school shopping and whispers “Mommy, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” #momlife
— Anna Zap (@AnnaZapOnAir) August 18, 2018
First week of school: struggled to wake the kids up at 7am. Everyone in the house in tears.
Saturday: they are both up at 6:30am jumping on my bed. #momlife #parenting #BackToSchool— Treehousethreadsblog (@treehouseblog) August 18, 2018
*observing my daughter in preschool*
Me: Ok, but how do you get her to just sit there and listen?
Teacher: We practice patience and teach them to do the same.
Me: Right, right. But, like, what bribes are you using?
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 6, 2018
Told my stepdaughter she could only pick one dress for her first day of school look and she stormed off in a huff so I’m over here in Kohl’s rage sniffing autumn candles if you need me. #momlife #parenting #kohls #momsquad #dadlife
— Marissa ? (@natsmama75) August 18, 2018
So my 3yo came home from her new preschool saying “save the issues for your tissues.”
So yeah, we’re really happy to see our money is so well spent on these kinds of life lessons.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 17, 2018
Conversations with my kids during the school year:
Kids at breakfast: meh
Kids on the way to school: bleh
Kids after school: unh
Kids at dinner: ergh
Kids at bedtime: LET ME DESCRIBE THE LAST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE IN DETAIL—IT BEGAN IN YOUR WOMB IN THE SUMMER OF 2010…
— Miranda Asebedo (@MirandaWriteNow) August 16, 2018
Friendly parenting advice: Don’t start any elaborate and adorable 1st day of school traditions for your first kid you won’t be able to keep up for the rest of the kids.
Love,
My 2nd and 3rd born#momlife #dadlife #BacktoSchool #firstdayofschool— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) August 20, 2018
Am I wrong to expect mimosas at this 9:15am meeting at my child school? It does say on the announcement “do not bring children if possible”. So in my opinion it would be very misleading if no alcohol is served as we prepare our children for Kindergarten.
— Mommin’ All Day Every Day (@DayMommin) August 17, 2018
my 7yo has been living in her robe and saying “pants are overrated” so going back to school in two weeks will be fun
— nicole tersigni (@nicsigni) August 20, 2018
All these first day of school posts already got me ? thinking about my son’s first day… which won’t happen for 3 more years ? #momlife
— Bekah Roberts (@sincerelybeks) August 20, 2018
In case you were wondering if I was a wreck dropping off The Boy for his first day of middle school today, I WAS NOT. I unceremoniously told him to get out of the car and didn’t start getting teary until I was more than 5 miles away. #MomLife
— E.M. Caines (@EMCaines) August 16, 2018
Take pictures of your kids each year on the first day of school.
But also take pictures of mom and dad. Tears of sadness? Tears of joy? Jumping jacks of excitement?#BackToSchool #momlife #Parenting
— Micah (@ParentalGrit) August 13, 2018
my kids’ back-to-school shopping list
1200 pencils
8 reams of paper
26 folders
zero peanuts
76 packs of kleenex
a box of unworn britney spears concert t-shirts
a black tesla with off-burgundy interior
2 baby mastodons
the original copy of the declaration of independence
— MillerCycle (@millercycle) August 15, 2018
My kids have been fighting like cats and dogs all summer. It’s 10:30 am on the first day of school, and my son is asking when we can go pick up his sister. ??♀️ #Firstdayofschool2018 #siblings #momlife #lifewithkids
— Gabby Cullen (@gabbycullen) August 20, 2018
Just dropped off the 4 year old for his first day of preschool. I’m holding it together.
*flips open writing notebook*
*sees page where he practiced writing his name*
I am NOT holding it together.???
— Rebecca Frohling (@chipmunkofpower) August 20, 2018
Today was my kids’ first day of school ever. They were previously homeschooled. I asked my son if he made friends at school. He said he did. I asked what their names were. He responded:
“What am I, the Keeper of the Names?”#kidsareweird #kids #family #backtoschool #momlife
— Stephenie Peterson (@NellieNovaBook) August 15, 2018
To my knowledge my kiddos’ teachers didn’t quit today. I consider that to be a good first day of school. #DadLife #parenthood #Parenting #FirstDayofSchool
— Dad with a Beer (@DadWithABeer) August 14, 2018
The first day of school is exciting, it’s that second day that will get you!! ?#whysoearly #momlife
— Tabitha Newton (@TabithaNewton23) August 15, 2018
As a Mom, I’m contractually obligated to think my kids are adorable. The cutest kids in the world even. So when I look at my stunningly beautiful children, I do so with the awareness that I’m wearing some serious Mom-colored glasses. I don’t gush about it because the real world may see them through normal glasses and think, “Meh.” But when your bestie, who also happened to have a stint as a Mom to a real life baby model, says, “Hey, have you considered sending in her pics to a modeling agency?,” you think maybe your kid really is as cute as you think she is!
Of course, being a baby model is more than just being cute. And it’s a whole process to get into the game, but thankfully the bestie was there to hold my hand and walk me through the process. So I followed her advice, got some bright solid colored outfits and bought myself a Groupon to the JCPenney portrait studio and crossed my fingers. We got some great shots so I nervously – but somewhat confidently – went to the websites for some reputable local youth talent agencies and submitted my daughter’s pictures.
It wasn’t even 12 hours later before I got our first rejection email. I was immediately thrown into the five stages of baby model rejection. Should you find yourself thinking about entering the cutthroat world of baby modeling, you should be ready to experience all of these feelings as well. (But I’m sure you won’t – because your kid is adorable!)
There are two kinds of toddlers: the kind that are super picky eaters and the kind that aren’t. And there’s a ton of helpful information out there to help your picky eater. Which is awesome! But as much as having kids that won’t eat anything is a major PITA, I’m here to tell you that having kids that eat EVERYTHING isn’t that great either. So whether your kid is a human garbage disposal too, or you just want to feel better about your situation, here are five things that are major downsides to having kids that everyone considers to be “great” eaters.
When the babies were little, we used to take them on these “playdates” with our MomSquad. We’d pick a destination like the nature center or storytime, but what we really wanted was the companionship. And the desire to feel like we were doing something with the babies, because honestly, what are you even supposed to do with a kid that can’t even talk or move on their own yet?
So we’d lay them on the blankets and chit chat about our lives. We only had one veteran mama in our midst at the time, and she casually mentioned that the hardest part about parenting two was that you had to ignore one of your children from time to time.
What she meant, of course, is that one child’s small needs have to take a backseat to the other child’s BIG needs once in a while. Another mama literally put her hand to her mouth in horror. “I don’t care how many kids I have, I would never IGNORE one of my children.”
Spoiler alert: you would. You absolutely would.
Because when you’ve got two or more kids, the concept of “emergency” can take on a whole new meaning. And when faced with aa parenting emergency, you HAVE to favor the squeaky wheel. Because the squeaky wheel may be bleeding. Or trying to poop in a potted plant.
Oh, come on, like that hasn’t happened to you.
At any rate, when you’ve got more than one kid, there’s a whole new hierarchy of what needs to be prioritized. We’ve got the Levels of Parenting Emergencies below, ranked from most severe to “meh.”
Being home with my kids is a blessing. I know it. Most days, I’m grateful. Most days are fantastic. And then there are those OTHER days. The days where you’re bored, and the kids are bored, and everyone is just a little bit off. The fact that the day is SUPPOSED to be a blessing somehow makes the whole thing worse, and you find yourself with a case of the Mondays on a Wednesday morning. The toddler schedule isn’t working, you’re not the fun and funny mom you usually are, and you’re questioning your ability to actually parent these tiny little monsters. You start to spiral, and then decide that, come Hell or high water, this day will be salvaged. You will BEAT these stay at home mom problems. You pour yourself a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, and begin your journey through the various levels of parenting desperation.
Continue reading “Laugh Your Way Through the 10 Levels of Parenting Desperation” The internet has educated us on some important do’s and don’ts for the Nosy Nelly’s of the world. We know you don’t get to ask people when they’re having kids or if they’re having kids at all. We’ve established that you don’t get to ask people why they’re only having one kid. We’ve hammered home to not ask pushy questions about when people are adding to their family. Granted, some people will ask despite knowing all this, because they’re just those kinds of people.
But what if you’re the family that got married and had kids a year later. And then got pregnant again 9 months after that. And then got pregnant 12 months after that. And then decided that you’re actually not done having kids even though in my experience three seems to be the assumed maximum number of children a person should have. Because that’s our family. We’ve got three an we don’t plan on being done. Maybe we’ll have one more, maybe two, maybe my husband suggests three and I freak out and say “Don’t push it bro.”
But that family, my family, well guess what internet? You don’t get to ask that Mom really personal questions either. So here’s my list of actual questions I’ve been asked by strangers.
Oh, and the answers I wish I had said.
(Okay, sometimes I did say them….)
We’re gonna go ahead and put it out there- parents lie to their kids all the time. Like, ALL the time. The lies we tell our kids range from the big and widely accepted (we’re looking at you, Santa) to the small and overused (“we’re leaving soon!”). But either way? Yeah, #SorryNotSorry. Not even a little bit. So now, in no particular order, we present to you the lies we tell our kids on a regular basis.
We live in a fast paced world where there are opportunities around every corner. And we’re supposed to say, “YES!.” I mean, it’s the age of #YOLO and #NoRegrets. It’s a time when we’re supposed to grab the bull by the horns and when Andy Cohen asks you if you regret anything you said or did this season you can proudly say “I don’t believe in regrets.” (I’m looking at you Luann). But me? I’m sitting over here being a medical test dummy for my 3 year old and thinking how I absolutely should not have let her get the Doc McStuffins kit for pooping in the potty. Sure, I could try to brush it off as a “learning experience” but we’d rather go back in time and prevent the thermometer wet willy I just got from ever happening. That, and these other 99 things.
Because despite all these regrets, I love my kids, I (usually) love my life, and yes, I learned from allllllll those mistakes. Next time I’m super-sizing, signing my kid up for summer camp the day registration opens and getting that epidural dammit!
What do you regret?
