Tag: mom humor

We live in a fast paced world where there are opportunities around every corner. And we’re supposed to say, “YES!.” I mean, it’s the age of #YOLO and #NoRegrets. It’s a time when we’re supposed to grab the bull by the horns and when Andy Cohen asks you if you regret anything you said or did this season you can proudly say “I don’t believe in regrets.” (I’m looking at you Luann). But me? I’m sitting over here being a medical test dummy for my 3 year old and thinking how I absolutely should not have let her get the Doc McStuffins kit for pooping in the potty. Sure, I could try to brush it off as a “learning experience” but we’d rather go back in time and prevent the thermometer wet willy I just got from ever happening. That, and these other 99 things.

I Regret….

1. Not accepting WAY more help when it was offered in the first couple years of parenting.
2. That one Halloween when I ate all the candy.
3. Not getting more pedicures.
4. Wearing white shirts when my kids were babies.
5. The number of times I was too lazy to make myself a meal and had chips and salsa for dinner.
6. That one trip to Reno with two kids under two and cramming four people in two airplane seats.
7. The time I assumed my kids fussiness was due to teething and not to an ear infection.
8. Not bringing an extra pair of pants.
9. And underwear.
10. Taking all three kids to the movies at the same time.
11. Telling the kids about the super fun and exciting thing we’re not doing until next week.
12. Beating myself up about not losing the baby weight.
13. The time I peeked in on the kids at the YMCA and the baby saw me and started to cry.
14. Buying so many tubs of low carb ice cream before deciding I don’t care about carbs.
15. Not taking more pictures of myself with the kids when they were teeny tiny babies.
16. Not making that drink a double.
17. Waiting so long to give my son formula. 
18. The time we went to Chuck E Cheese at noon on a Saturday.
19. Forgetting to grab the wipes.
20. Not getting an epidural on that second baby (Jaymi).
21. Not getting an epidural on that third baby (Christine).
22. Pretty much all of 2004.
23. Not giving all these people a piece of my mind in the moment.
24. That seventh “blue drink” on the cruise.
25. Not super sizing my fries when I had the chance.
26. Parking my car on the street the night it got side swiped.
27. Not taking my kid to the bathroom the first time they said they had to go.
28. Asking my sister about how long she thought it would be until she had the baby. While she was in labor.
29. Stopping for diapers on St. Patrick’s Day 2014, because during the time it to me to get them my daughter got bit by a dog.
30. Not using my Chick-fil-A reward before it expired that one time.
31. You know those letters your therapist tells you to write, but not send? I regret sending it.
32. Waiting so long to buy LuLaRoe leggings.
33. Letting my kids eat in the car.
34. Keeping a Sharpie within arms reach of my children.
35. Not teaching my kids that they have to wear underwear every single day.
36. Everything about this situation.
37. Letting my kid sleep in my room so long.
38. Moving my kid out of their crib when I did.
39. Watching Waterworld.
40. Not noticing the Starbucks cup in the trash can before my 18 month old drank out of it.
41. Almost every time I’ve answered an unknown number on my phone.
42. Waiting so long to replace our old college furniture.
43. Not printing out more pictures of my kids.
44. Leaving my kids lunchbox in the car overnight.
45. Forgetting to call the YMCA and not getting a spot in the kids club.
46. Introducing my kids to the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.
47. Not sleeping when the baby slept.
48. Wearing cheap bras.
49. Not checking under the carseats when I thought the car was clean. 
50. Not going to Applebee’s more often for $1 drink specials.
51. Yelling at the girl at the McDonald’s drive through when I was having a rough day and my coupon wouldn’t scan.
52. Drinking that coffee at 8pm. And yes, it’s probably the only time I’ve EVER regretted drinking a coffee.
53. Every time I’ve ever refused pain medication.
54. Not noticing until 8 at night, home alone, with all three kids, that we were COMPLETELY OUT of diapers.
55. Wearing high heels to my kids’ baptisms.
56. Forgetting it was street sweeping day.
57. Buying generic cough drops.
58. Forgetting to turn everything off and ruining my Ohm Hour streak.
59. Not signing my kid up for the summer camp he really wanted before it sold out.
60. Running into the baby’s room to make sure she’s alive only to have the running wake her up.
61. Repeatedly running into the baby’s room, after not having learned my lesson the first time.
62. Not getting a refill on my Cherry Coke before leaving Chick-fil-A.
63. Choosing being on time over getting coffee on the way.
64. The time I let my toddler take a nap at 5pm.
65. Saying I didn’t need anything for Mother’s Day.
66. Sleeping on the couch last night. My back is not in it’s 20’s anymore.
67. Buying expensive sunglasses.
68. Buying cheap bras.
69. The time I will never get back trying to finish The Goldfinch. 
70. Teaching my kids how to use Alexa for their own personal gain.
71. The time I wore white and then let my kids eat Cheetos near me.
72. Basically any time I wore white post having kids.
73. Not ordering dessert more often.
74. Falling off the workout wagon.
75. Forgetting my phone at the library.
76. Forgetting my phone at the library right before it closes.
77. Forgetting my phone at the library right before it closes on a Saturday night when they won’t be open again UNTIL TUESDAY!
78. Thinking it was “just a rash” and ignoring it for a minute.
79. Buying every toy we have that makes a ton of noise.
80. Buying the Costco sized bag of raisins. When will I learn the kids will turn on anything I buy in bulk?
81. Forgetting to restock toilet paper in the bathroom.
82. Letting my kid take a nap at 4pm.
83. Saying, “No I can do it myself” when I just should have said, “That would be great, thank you.”
84. Leaving fake tanning lotion within reach of my two year old.
85. Letting my kids own a cowbell.
86. Not spending more of my kids’ formative years teaching them you don’t eat bananas out of the trash.
87. Taking my fertility for granted.
88. Getting the kids all excited to get Chick-fil-A and then remembering it’s Sunday.
89. Anytime I ever took the kids with me when I had to try on clothes before buying them.
90. Thinking I didn’t need a stroller anymore for a day at the aquarium with three kids.
91. Forgetting to return the giant stack of kids’ library books on time.
92. Letting my kid stay up WAY past his bedtime to watch “one more cool part” until the movie was over.
93. Saying yes to Play-Doh.
94. Not making it absolutely clear to my children that you HAVE to wear pants in public. All the time.
95. Asking my son how I looked in my bathing suit. (Spoiler alert: “Squishy”)
96. Not getting more pedicures.
97. Not hiring a babysitter when I just needed a break.
98. Believing my kid when he said he definitely had his shoes. (He did not).
99. Anytime anyone ever made me feel bad about any of my parenting choices.

Because despite all these regrets, I love my kids, I (usually) love my life, and yes, I learned from allllllll those mistakes. Next time I’m super-sizing, signing my kid up for summer camp the day registration opens and getting that epidural dammit!

What do you regret?