We’re gonna go ahead and put it out there- parents lie to their kids all the time. Like, ALL the time. The lies we tell our kids range from the big and widely accepted (we’re looking at you, Santa) to the small and overused (“we’re leaving soon!”). But either way? Yeah, #SorryNotSorry. Not even a little bit. So now, in no particular order, we present to you the lies we tell our kids on a regular basis.
We live in a fast paced world where there are opportunities around every corner. And we’re supposed to say, “YES!.” I mean, it’s the age of #YOLO and #NoRegrets. It’s a time when we’re supposed to grab the bull by the horns and when Andy Cohen asks you if you regret anything you said or did this season you can proudly say “I don’t believe in regrets.” (I’m looking at you Luann). But me? I’m sitting over here being a medical test dummy for my 3 year old and thinking how I absolutely should not have let her get the Doc McStuffins kit for pooping in the potty. Sure, I could try to brush it off as a “learning experience” but we’d rather go back in time and prevent the thermometer wet willy I just got from ever happening. That, and these other 99 things.
Not accepting WAY more help when it was offered in the first couple years of parenting.
That one Halloween when I ate all the candy.
Not getting more pedicures.
Wearing white shirts when my kids were babies.
The number of times I was too lazy to make myself a meal and had chips and salsa for dinner.
That one trip to Reno with two kids under two and cramming four people in two airplane seats.
The time I assumed my kids fussiness was due to teething and not to an ear infection.
Not bringing an extra pair of pants.
Taking all three kids to the movies at the same time.
Telling the kids about the super fun and exciting thing we’re not doing until next week.
Beating myself up about not losing the baby weight.
The time I peeked in on the kids at the YMCA and the baby saw me and started to cry.
Buying so many tubs of low carb ice cream before deciding I don’t care about carbs.
Not taking more pictures of myself with the kids when they were teeny tiny babies.
Asking my son how I looked in my bathing suit. (Spoiler alert: “Squishy”)
Not getting more pedicures.
Not hiring a babysitter when I just needed a break.
Believing my kid when he said he definitely had his shoes. (He did not).
Anytime anyone ever made me feel bad about any of my parenting choices.
Because despite all these regrets, I love my kids, I (usually) love my life, and yes, I learned from allllllll those mistakes. Next time I’m super-sizing, signing my kid up for summer camp the day registration opens and getting that epidural dammit!
As Moms (and Dads) sometimes we are shocked by the things that people think it’s okay to say – and do – us. Unfortunately, due to our broken #mombrains, we don’t always come up with the perfect response in the moment. So instead, we write anonymous passive aggressive lighthearted letters full of mom humor to the people that have wronged us. Yes, I’m talking about more letters to even more people that made us downright salty. Did you miss Part One? Make sure to check it out here and then come back to virtually punch some people in the face with me. As always, let us know who you’d add in the comments!
It’s winter, and the weather is pretty disagreeable these days. Moms everywhere are desperate to find somewhere-anywhere!– where their kids can run, yell, play, and burn off some of that ENDLESS energy. En masse, we all flock to the nearest kids’ indoor playground, which quickly turns into a roiling mass of noisy, busy, happy kids and toddlers- and their mothers. In no particular order, here are the seven types of parents you can expect to see while you’re there.
Yes, sometimes as Mom’s we’re way too excited about the little things. Like an extra piece of chicken or getting a good cart at the grocery store. But on the flip side? We’re sometimes overly salty – and I’m not talking about being salty in the good way like McDonald’s fries. I’m talking about the fact that we’re chronically exhausted and under-caffeinated no matter how hard we try to drink all the Cokes and coffees, and sometimes that makes us go from zero to salty in 2 shakes.
When people order a plain old Coca Cola from a Coke Freestyle machine (we’re looking at you, Michael). You’ve got allllll the choices in the world, and you choose to be boring. I can’t. It’s just such a waste of a Cherry-coke-esque opportunity. See Also: people who order vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting at bakeries that pride themselves on having a million flavors (I’m looking at you, Nicole).
People who try to “cut” in line while merging onto the freeway. And I know I’m not alone in this. But I think it’s the teacher in me that simply cannot stomach someone breaking kindergarten rules. I’m assuming you’ve know said rule for at LEAST 11 years if you’re driving a car, and you STILL don’t know not to break it? So. Rude.
People on NextDoor who are like, “Does Anyone Have a Brand New Fridge They Want to Give Away?” Or similar. I get that there’s technically no harm in asking, and I also get that you just MIGHT find someone who feels like being a good neighbor. But I once saw requests for a new toilet, an astronomy book, and someone who would let a stranger crash on their couch for the night (!) in the same day. I know I shouldn’t be THIS annoyed by it, but I JUST AM.
When my coupons won’t load at a Fast Food Place. I once refused to pay at a Taco Bell because they couldn’t scan my gift card, because I wouldn’t have gone there if I’d known their scanner was down (I feel like this is information that should have been stated upfront). I was like, “no thanks, keep my burritos,” but ended up just getting them free instead. So I guess I’m not THAT salty about this one.
Stupid questions. I hate to break it to every teacher I ever had, but there ARE stupid questions. Like my husband asking where the pajamas are. In the exact same place they’ve been since the day our child was born. You KNOW this. I know you do. Just think my love! And then I won’t LOSE.MY.MIND. For the love of God just help me out here.
Places that don’t serve our preferred soda. It doesn’t matter if you’re team Coke or team Pepsi – because you’re going to be pissed half the time either way. And sometimes, it can feel like they’ve selected your soda nemesis just to spite you. They didn’t, but still. Tell that to a tired Mom that just wants her Coke. Or Pepsi.
When I can’t get a spot for the kids at the YMCA. I actually feel especially bad about this one, because I’m getting a SCREAMING deal on the amount of money I spend in relation to the amount of hours I use their facilities. But still. If I really want to get in on Wednesday morning and I call Wednesday morning even though it’s totally on me and I should have called Monday? I die a little inside when they’re all filled up.
Crappy creamer. It’s off in the distance – a big, beautiful carafe of free coffee, and then you get closer and there’s just a jug of that powdered stuff. Look, I’m not saying I need some soy organic lavender infused vanilla bean creamer. Hell, I don’t even need a flavored creamer. But something – anything – liquid please?
Waking up at 6:17 even when the kids aren’t home. Like this morning. When the kids are at Grammy’s but they’ve trained me so good I’m up at dawn. How I miss the days when I was able to just sleep in and enjoy a lazy morning!! But at least I’ll drink my coffee while it’s hot today…
We know you all MUST have some Super-Salty-Pet-Peeves of your own. We’d love to hear them in the comment section!
(And yes we DO know these are all first world problems, thank you very much. We also get salty about important things too, but let’s be honest, we’re not laughing about those, and neither would you. So this list is gonna have to do for now.)