momlife

Lies Parents Tell Their Kids (#SorryNotSorry)

We’re gonna go ahead and put it out there- parents lie to their kids all the time. Like, ALL the time. The lies we tell our kids range from the big and widely accepted (we’re looking at you, Santa) to the small and overused (“we’re leaving soon!”).  But either way? Yeah, #SorryNotSorry. Not even a little bit. So now, in no particular order, we present to you the lies we tell our kids on a regular basis.

Everyone lies to their kids SOMETIMES. We happen to do it a lot. Read about the favorite lies we tell our kids at thesaltymamas.com.

Continue reading “Lies Parents Tell Their Kids (#SorryNotSorry)”

Salty Mama Lists

100 Things I Regret

We live in a fast paced world where there are opportunities around every corner. And we’re supposed to say, “YES!.” I mean, it’s the age of #YOLO and #NoRegrets. It’s a time when we’re supposed to grab the bull by the horns and when Andy Cohen asks you if you regret anything you said or did this season you can proudly say “I don’t believe in regrets.” (I’m looking at you Luann). But me? I’m sitting over here being a medical test dummy for my 3 year old and thinking how I absolutely should not have let her get the Doc McStuffins kit for pooping in the potty. Sure, I could try to brush it off as a “learning experience” but we’d rather go back in time and prevent the thermometer wet willy I just got from ever happening. That, and these other 99 things.

#NoRegrets is great and all, but this is #momlife, and I've got over 100 regrets. What are yours?  #momlifeisthebestlife #momlifestyle #momliferocks #momlifebelike #momlifeisthebest #momlifebestlife #momlifeyo #momlifeinabubble #momlifechronicles #momlifeunfiltered #momlifeisthtebestlife #momlifeishard #momlifestyleblogger #mommyhumor #momhumor #momhumorblog #parenting #dadlife

I Regret….

  1. Not accepting WAY more help when it was offered in the first couple years of parenting.
  2. That one Halloween when I ate all the candy.
  3. Not getting more pedicures.
  4. Wearing white shirts when my kids were babies.
  5. The number of times I was too lazy to make myself a meal and had chips and salsa for dinner.
  6. That one trip to Reno with two kids under two and cramming four people in two airplane seats.
  7. The time I assumed my kids fussiness was due to teething and not to an ear infection.
  8. Not bringing an extra pair of pants.
  9. And underwear.
  10. Taking all three kids to the movies at the same time.
  11. Telling the kids about the super fun and exciting thing we’re not doing until next week.
  12. Beating myself up about not losing the baby weight.
  13. The time I peeked in on the kids at the YMCA and the baby saw me and started to cry.
  14. Buying so many tubs of low carb ice cream before deciding I don’t care about carbs.
  15. Not taking more pictures of myself with the kids when they were teeny tiny babies.
  16. Not making that drink a double.
  17. Waiting so long to give my son formula. 
  18. The time we went to Chuck E Cheese at noon on a Saturday.
  19. Forgetting to grab the wipes.
  20. Not getting an epidural on that second baby (Jaymi).
  21. Not getting an epidural on that third baby (Christine).
  22. Pretty much all of 2004.
  23. Not giving all these people a piece of my mind in the moment.
  24. That seventh “blue drink” on the cruise.
  25. Not super sizing my fries when I had the chance.
  26. Parking my car on the street the night it got side swiped.
  27. Not taking my kid to the bathroom the first time they said they had to go.
  28. Asking my sister about how long she thought it would be until she had the baby. While she was in labor.
  29. Stopping for diapers on St. Patrick’s Day 2014, because during the time it to me to get them my daughter got bit by a dog.
  30. Not using my Chick-fil-A reward before it expired that one time.
  31. You know those letters your therapist tells you to write, but not send? I regret sending it.
  32. Waiting so long to buy LuLaRoe leggings.
  33. Letting my kids eat in the car.
  34. Keeping a Sharpie within arms reach of my children.
  35. Not teaching my kids that they have to wear underwear every single day.
  36. Everything about this situation.
  37. Letting my kid sleep in my room so long.
  38. Moving my kid out of their crib when I did.
  39. Watching Waterworld.
  40. Not noticing the Starbucks cup in the trash can before my 18 month old drank out of it.
  41. Almost every time I’ve answered an unknown number on my phone.
  42. Waiting so long to replace our old college furniture.
  43. Not printing out more pictures of my kids.
  44. Leaving my kids lunchbox in the car overnight.
  45. Forgetting to call the YMCA and not getting a spot in the kids club.
  46. Introducing my kids to the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.
  47. Not sleeping when the baby slept.
  48. Wearing cheap bras.
  49. Not checking under the carseats when I thought the car was clean. 
  50. Not going to Applebee’s more often for $1 drink specials.
  51. Yelling at the girl at the McDonald’s drive through when I was having a rough day and my coupon wouldn’t scan.
  52. Drinking that coffee at 8pm. And yes, it’s probably the only time I’ve EVER regretted drinking a coffee.
  53. Every time I’ve ever refused pain medication.
  54. Not noticing until 8 at night, home alone, with all three kids, that we were COMPLETELY OUT of diapers.
  55. Wearing high heels to my kids’ baptisms.
  56. Forgetting it was street sweeping day.
  57. Buying generic cough drops.
  58. Forgetting to turn everything off and ruining my Ohm Hour streak.
  59. Not signing my kid up for the summer camp he really wanted before it sold out.
  60. Running into the baby’s room to make sure she’s alive only to have the running wake her up.
  61. Repeatedly running into the baby’s room, after not having learned my lesson the first time.
  62. Not getting a refill on my Cherry Coke before leaving Chick-fil-A.
  63. Choosing being on time over getting coffee on the way.
  64. The time I let my toddler take a nap at 5pm.
  65. Saying I didn’t need anything for Mother’s Day.
  66. Sleeping on the couch last night. My back is not in it’s 20’s anymore.
  67. Buying expensive sunglasses.
  68. Buying cheap bras.
  69. The time I will never get back trying to finish The Goldfinch. 
  70. Teaching my kids how to use Alexa for their own personal gain.
  71. The time I wore white and then let my kids eat Cheetos near me.
  72. Basically any time I wore white post having kids.
  73. Not ordering dessert more often.
  74. Falling off the workout wagon.
  75. Forgetting my phone at the library.
  76. Forgetting my phone at the library right before it closes.
  77. Forgetting my phone at the library right before it closes on a Saturday night when they won’t be open again UNTIL TUESDAY!
  78. Thinking it was “just a rash” and ignoring it for a minute.
  79. Buying every toy we have that makes a ton of noise.
  80. Buying the Costco sized bag of raisins. When will I learn the kids will turn on anything I buy in bulk?
  81. Forgetting to restock toilet paper in the bathroom.
  82. Letting my kid take a nap at 4pm.
  83. Saying, “No I can do it myself” when I just should have said, “That would be great, thank you.”
  84. Leaving fake tanning lotion within reach of my two year old.
  85. Letting my kids own a cowbell.
  86. Not spending more of my kids’ formative years teaching them you don’t eat bananas out of the trash.
  87. Taking my fertility for granted.
  88. Getting the kids all excited to get Chick-fil-A and then remembering it’s Sunday.
  89. Anytime I ever took the kids with me when I had to try on clothes before buying them.
  90. Thinking I didn’t need a stroller anymore for a day at the aquarium with three kids.
  91. Forgetting to return the giant stack of kids’ library books on time.
  92. Letting my kid stay up WAY past his bedtime to watch “one more cool part” until the movie was over.
  93. Saying yes to Play-Doh.
  94. Not making it absolutely clear to my children that you HAVE to wear pants in public. All the time.
  95. Asking my son how I looked in my bathing suit. (Spoiler alert: “Squishy”)
  96. Not getting more pedicures.
  97. Not hiring a babysitter when I just needed a break.
  98. Believing my kid when he said he definitely had his shoes. (He did not).
  99. Anytime anyone ever made me feel bad about any of my parenting choices.

Because despite all these regrets, I love my kids, I (usually) love my life, and yes, I learned from allllllll those mistakes. Next time I’m super-sizing, signing my kid up for summer camp the day registration opens and getting that epidural dammit!

What do you regret?

Mom Humor, They Said WHAT?, Why We're Salty

MORE Open Letters to the People That Make Us Salty

As Moms (and Dads) sometimes we are shocked by the things that people think it’s okay to say – and do – us. Unfortunately, due to our broken #mombrains, we don’t always come up with the perfect response in the moment. So instead, we write anonymous passive aggressive lighthearted letters full of mom humor to the people that have wronged us. Yes, I’m talking about more letters to even more people that made us downright salty. Did you miss Part One? Make sure to check it out here and then come back to virtually punch some people in the face with me. As always, let us know who you’d add in the comments!

Continue reading “MORE Open Letters to the People That Make Us Salty”

momlife

7 Moms That Will Make You Laugh at a Kids’ Indoor Playground

It’s winter, and the weather is pretty disagreeable these days. Moms everywhere are desperate to find somewhere-anywhere!– where their kids can run, yell, play, and burn off some of that ENDLESS energy. En masse, we all flock to the nearest kids’ indoor playground, which quickly turns into a roiling mass of noisy, busy, happy kids and toddlers- and their mothers. In no particular order, here are the seven types of parents you can expect to see while you’re there.

There's 7 types of moms you'll find at a kids' indoor playground- read on to find out which one you are! thesaltymamas.com #kidsindoorplayground #kidsactivities #momlife #sahm #sahmlife #paretninghumor #momhumor #momdating #momfriends #howtomakemomfriends #playground #playgroundwithtoddlers #bestkidsactivities #indoorplayplace

 

Continue reading “7 Moms That Will Make You Laugh at a Kids’ Indoor Playground”

Holidays, Mama Mojo, MicroLuxuries, momlife, Salty Mama Lists

What We Wish We’d Gotten For Christmas

At the risk of sounding like HUGE jerks…there’s just a few things we WISH we would have gotten for Christmas. I mean, they are largely impossible, but still… a Salty Mama can dream!  Continue reading “What We Wish We’d Gotten For Christmas”

Married with Children, The Daddys, Why We're Salty

If You Give a Daddy a Task…

If you give a Daddy a task, he’ll smile and say sure.

He’ll start to unload the dishwasher, by putting away the glasses.

When he gets to the cabinet, he’ll realize there are a lot of glasses we don’t use.

He’ll go unload the Amazon box of baby’s birthday presents to use for storing glasses to donate.

Once he starts with glasses, he’ll think about the vases you can probably get rid of too.

Looking at all that nice space in the cabinet, he’ll remember that the cabinet above the refrigerator could use some reorganizing as well.

In that cabinet, he’ll notice that he doesn’t really use the mini kegerator as often as we used to, and will suggest that we sell it.

The kegerataor will need to be set up somewhere with good lighting, so he can take a picture to post on a trash and treasure sale site.

Since someone comments right away, he’ll need to spend 25 minutes texting back and forth with the guy about beer refrigeration and tubes and keg prices.

Now that he’s on the internet, he’ll see an article he needs to click on.

And another.

And another.

And since he’s fallen down the rabbit hole, Mommy will need to go unload the dishwasher.

All because you gave a Daddy a task.

#momhumor #momlife #dadlife #childrensbooks
What happens when you give a Daddy one little job to do? Spoiler alert: Everything gets done – except that one job.
momlife, Salty Mama Lists, They Said WHAT?, Why We're Salty

Things That Make Us Saltier Than They Should

Yes, sometimes as Mom’s we’re way too excited about the little things. Like an extra piece of chicken or getting a good cart at the grocery store. But on the flip side? We’re sometimes overly salty – and I’m not talking about being salty in the good way like McDonald’s fries. I’m talking about the fact that we’re chronically exhausted and under-caffeinated no matter how hard we try to drink all the Cokes  and coffees, and sometimes that makes us go from zero to salty in 2 shakes.

  1. When people order a plain old Coca Cola from a Coke Freestyle machine (we’re looking at you, Michael).  You’ve got allllll the choices in the world, and you choose to be boring. I can’t. It’s just such a waste of a Cherry-coke-esque opportunity. See Also: people who order vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting at bakeries that pride themselves on having a million flavors (I’m looking at you, Nicole).
  2. People who try to “cut” in line while merging onto the freeway. And I know I’m not alone in this. But I think it’s the teacher in me that simply cannot stomach someone breaking kindergarten rules. I’m assuming you’ve know said rule for at LEAST 11 years if you’re driving a car, and you STILL don’t know not to break it? So. Rude.
  3. People on NextDoor who are like, “Does Anyone Have a Brand New Fridge They Want to Give Away?” Or similar.   I get that there’s technically no harm in asking, and I also get that you just MIGHT find someone who feels like being a good neighbor. But I once saw requests for a new toilet, an astronomy book, and someone who would let a stranger crash on their couch for the night (!) in the same day. I know I shouldn’t be THIS annoyed by it, but I JUST AM.
  4. When my coupons won’t load at a Fast Food Place. I once refused to pay at a Taco Bell because they couldn’t scan my gift card, because I wouldn’t have gone there if I’d known their scanner was down (I feel like this is information that should have been stated upfront).  I was like, “no thanks, keep my burritos,” but ended up just getting them free instead. So I guess I’m not THAT salty about this one.
  5. Stupid questions. I hate to break it to every teacher I ever had, but there ARE stupid questions. Like my husband asking where the pajamas are. In the exact same place they’ve been since the day our child was born. You KNOW this. I know you do. Just think my love! And then I won’t LOSE.MY.MIND. For the love of God just help me out here.
  6. Places that don’t serve our preferred soda. It doesn’t matter if you’re team Coke or team Pepsi – because you’re going to be pissed half the time either way. And sometimes, it can feel like they’ve selected your soda nemesis just to spite you. They didn’t, but still. Tell that to a tired Mom that just wants her Coke. Or Pepsi.
  7. When I can’t get a spot for the kids at the YMCA. I actually feel especially bad about this one, because I’m getting a SCREAMING deal on the amount of money I spend in relation to the amount of hours I use their facilities. But still. If I really want to get in on Wednesday morning and I call Wednesday morning even though it’s totally on me and I should have called Monday? I die a little inside when they’re all filled up.
  8. Crappy creamer. It’s off in the distance – a big, beautiful carafe of free coffee, and then you get closer and there’s just a jug of that powdered stuff. Look, I’m not saying I need some soy organic lavender infused vanilla bean creamer. Hell, I don’t even need a flavored creamer. But something – anything – liquid please?
  9. Waking up at 6:17 even when the kids aren’t home. Like this morning. When the kids are at Grammy’s but they’ve trained me so good I’m up at dawn. How I miss the days when I was able to just sleep in and enjoy a lazy morning!! But at least I’ll drink my coffee while it’s hot today…

We know you all MUST have some Super-Salty-Pet-Peeves of your own.  We’d love to hear them in the comment section!

(And yes we DO know these are all first world problems, thank you very much. We also get salty about important things too, but let’s be honest, we’re not laughing about those, and neither would you. So this list is gonna have to do for now.)

 

#momlife #salty #momhumor
If the Daddy’s ask us where the pajamas are one more time we’ll lose it! Check out the 8 other things that make us super salty!