The internet has educated us on some important do’s and don’ts for the Nosy Nelly’s of the world. We know you don’t get to ask people when they’re having kids or if they’re having kids at all. We’ve established that you don’t get to ask people why they’re only having one kid. We’ve hammered home to not ask pushy questions about when people are adding to their family. Granted, some people will ask despite knowing all this, because they’re just those kinds of people.
But what if you’re the family that got married and had kids a year later. And then got pregnant again 9 months after that. And then got pregnant 12 months after that. And then decided that you’re actually not done having kids even though in my experience three seems to be the assumed maximum number of children a person should have. Because that’s our family. We’ve got three an we don’t plan on being done. Maybe we’ll have one more, maybe two, maybe my husband suggests three and I freak out and say “Don’t push it bro.”
But that family, my family, well guess what internet? You don’t get to ask that Mom really personal questions either. So here’s my list of actual questions I’ve been asked by strangers.
Oh, and the answers I wish I had said.
(Okay, sometimes I did say them….)
- How are you going to be able to afford college for all of them? Oh you’re sweet – we don’t think they’ll ALL be smart enough for college.
- Aren’t you worried they won’t get attention? No, they’ll get plenty when I ship them off to boarding school.
- So are you going full Duggar? Yep, because it’s either 3 or 19, there is no in between.
- Do you not believe in birth control? We believe in Nonya. As in, NONYA BUSINESS. (But for the record we do. We just happen to want a large family).
- Aren’t you concerned about over-population of the Earth? We think there’s always room for more kind people in the world.
- Don’t you guys have cable? Yep! Skinemax is what got me into this mess in the first place!
- Do you know how to use a condom? Nope! Lemme go grab a banana and you can teach me!
- Do you think you can really handle more kids? Do you really think you can handle getting punched in the face right now?
- Your husband wants more, but are you really okay with this? *Smiles and nods yes* No, I’m not, he’s holding me hostage as a baby machine, please go get help. *Still nodding and smiling*
- What if on your last one you get twins and then are going to have more than you want? Well damn, I guess we’ll have to place one gently in the LA River Baby Moses style and hope for the best.
And I only have three. That are all little. And look alike. So I don’t get gems like “Do they all have the same father?” like some of my friends do. So please, if you see a Mom with more than three kids, know that it’s not contagious. She’s not some freak of nature. She has her reasons. But they’re her business, and none of yours.