Your Bestie is Coming Over

Touch nothing. Do nothing. This is your person, here. You’re gonna be fine.

Mommy Friends for a Playdate

Definitely flush the toilet. Remove the duck potty of pee. Put away things that are breakable or suddenly “very special” to Lila.  Brew a very full pot of coffee. Forget about the toys and the dishes and the floors, this playdate is only gonna worsen those scenarios and you don’t want to do it twice.

Neighbors for a Playdate

Ask yourselves, are their moms coming? Or will they stop by later to collect the kids? Dishes are fine, and toy messes are expected, but you should sweep the floors.  Throw your unfolded laundry pile into a laundry basket or something. Wipe down the bathroom real quick in case they happen upon it.

Out of Towners You Haven’t Seen in a While

Oh boy. Time to go full tilt on the common areas. All of the above, plus clean the kitchen. Make sure their pictures are still up in your friend-collage-frame (you don’t want them to think you forgot about them). They don’t see you often, so yeah, they’re maybe gonna judge your house.  You don’t want them leaving saying, “wow, they’re kind of letting things go, huh?” Cause they really might.

People Who Have Never Been to Your House Before

Oh God. Now you have to try to clean furiously, as mentioned above, but you also have to clean your shower and make your bed, because those people may ask for a tour. They may want to see what your shower looks like after the remodel. So bleach the grout while you’re in there. Scrub your baseboards.  Wipe down your blinds, they may inspect them and say, “are these real wood,” and you don’t want to have to awkwardly laugh and say, “no, just real dirty, ahahahahaha.” And now you will probably try to hang those pictures you’ve been meaning to get to and fluff your pillows and stuff, because the house is the window to your soul or something.  You want your house to reinforce the image you’ve been attempting to project to the world, and not scream out “Fraud! Fraud! FRAUD!” Time. To. Hustle.

Mother-In-Law

Just burn the house down. It’s the only way.