You know that parenting is going to throw a lot of new situations at you. You’re going to say a lot of things to your kids you never expected you would have to say. Things like, “Please stop licking the dog” and “Yes you have to wear shoes to the dentist.”
But I was not prepared for all the new conversations I’d have with my husband. Here’s one of our most….memorable.
My husband comes out of the bathroom, fresh from a shower, still with dripping wet hair, and looks at me with utter disdain.
“Babe. Did you seriously poop in the shower?”
I mean, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond to this, because clearly, I did not. Like, I’m not sure how to even justify this with an answer. We live with a four year old and a one year old. How, of all the Torrezes, is the 31 year old devoted wife and mother nominated as Most Likely to Poop in the Shower?!?
Me: “No! I didn’t poop in the shower!”
Mike: “Well you were the last one in there, and there was a little poop nugget in the drain”
Me: “WHY WOULD I EVER EVEN DO THAT?!?”
Mike: “I don’t know, why do you do anything you do?”
Me: *Head explodes*
As EVERYONE ELSE BUT MY HUSBAND has probably already figured out, a few hours earlier, our one year old did, in fact, poop in the tub. Because that’s kind of a thing for Torrez babies, apparently. And I did my best to clean it up, evacuating both kids from the tub, scooping up the poop (well, most of it anyways I guess), and spraying the whole thing down with Lysol. And I did all this without even sending out a Spousal SOS, for which I probably deserve some kind of medal. At the least, gratitude. But certainly not accusations of some form of shit-related vandalism.
And that got me to thinking about some other “reminders” my husband has given me.
Me: Oh shoot, I just threw out some balsamic vinegar this morning and now I need it for this recipe.
Mike: Don’t dig it out of there, it’s too late.
Like, obviously, hon. I’m not gonna use trash-vinegar on this salad I was planning to serve to company. CLEARLY.
My Husband: *Standing Next to My Child, who is sitting precariously in a bike seat attached to a grown-up-sized bike* You’ve got to watch him when he’s in there, Jaymes. You can’t walk away and just leave him in there.
WELL YEAH I KNOW, BOO. I didn’t intend to leave my wibbly, wobbly one year old strapped into a fifty-pound piece of metal by himself. Who do you think I am?!?
*The baby’s graham cracker falls in the dog’s water bowl.*
My Husband: Don’t give that back to him.
Good idea, buddy! Thank God you said that, cause I was just about to hand this soggy, dog-water cracker back to our precious fifteen month old. I mean, if it was an apple slice or something I would, but a graham cracker?? Just think of what a mess he would make with it.
On second thought, maybe I get why he thinks I need this kind of advice now. But pooping in the shower?? That just goes too far.
34 thoughts on “No, Husband, I Did Not Poop in the Tub”
ahahahaha, ahehehehehe, Coffee everywhere…bwahahaha, more coffee. ah. whew, whew. oh boy…ok…I’ve got it together now.
? Sorry about your coffee, but hopefully it was worth it!
Side note: I really hope that you keep writing, this blog is uniquely hilarious, and I think it could go really really far. You’ve got something very special
This comment made my day. Thanks so much!
OMG LMAO I’m literally laughing SO hard right now and it’s so good I’m working from home because holy crap this is hysterical! POOP NUGGET!!!! Thanks for the great story!
Haha thanks! It was funny in the moment too, but the more I thought about it the more it made ME laugh, and I just had to share.
That is too funny!! I needed that giggle to start my afternoon!
Glad to help 😉
Oh my word this is so funny!!! Great post!
Hahaha I am in splits reimagining this in my head ??
We were both horrified- but for different reasons 😉
This is hilarious! But it shows the real side of parenting as well. My spouse has said some really stupid things at times and it makes me wonder about him ??
Now that’s a funny post! You’re husband gives you plenty to work with : )
Thank goodness he’s awesome, too. I guess I’ll keep him ?
That was so funny, but a real story from a mom with little ones.
Haha, this is great!!!!
hard to control the giggles after that one…poop nugget. Priceless!
I mean, right??
Oh my God Salty Mama you made me laugh. I am happy reading your post. Keep writing and give us tonic to stay happy. 🙂
Ha ha, this was hillarious, I just took a break to digest this poop story! Loved it
LMBO this is hilarious!!! Omg I LOVE reading your posts! 🙂
WHOA! hahahahaha, the title obviously was a direction as to where this post was going but LOL very detailed. Hilarious!
A glimpse at real life, that’s for sure ?
Hahaha, I am in splits! This was really funny
This is hilarious! My son did the same thing when he was a toddler.
It’s the worst, even without someone accusing you of being the culprit!
Bahaha! I can completely relate to everything in this post!! I’ve had many conversations exactly like these!
You can only shake your head and laugh sometimes, am I right?
No words needed…. ???????
I get this from my guy sometimes. I practice stopping, taking a deep breath, and counting to 10. That works about half the time, hahaha!
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